Today, I was on my death bed.   Today the West Black Bird Flu Nile Plague almost took me.   I saw the light out of the corner of my eye.  It might have been the nightlight in the bathroom, but regardless, there was a light.

A few short hours ago, there was an elephant who took permanent residence on my face and chest.  There were razor blades that went down my throat every time I swallowed.

Life, as I knew it was soon to be over.

It’s a good thing I’m a normally very healthy person, because as you can see it’s all about the drama when I’m under the weather.  The wimpiest guy has nothing on me.  Not only do I have a flair for the dramatic, but I’m the type that will literally walk around my apartment wrapped in blankets clutching my Kleenex and muttering to myself,  “Oh my god, I’m so sick.”    Really, it’s a wonder I’m single.

Even though breathing through my nose wasn’t my strong suit, my eyes looked like two piss holes in the snow and I could have flown Santa’s sleigh with my big red nose, I still managed the strength to make it to my hair appointment this afternoon.  W.B.B.F.N.P be damned!  Missing a hair appointment is just something that can’t happen.  Was I bleeding?  No.  Was I ejecting bodily fluids?  Nope.  Then I had no excuse.  Hell hath no furry as changing my appointment with my guy.  I might never make it into the rotation again.   Gasp!  The Horror!

It’s truly a fate worse than having the elephant on my chest never find another home.

Gratefully, I am not going to let this disease take my life.  I am rebounding.  Perhaps it’s the fantastic hair (the face still looks like shit) or the sheer excitement in me to watch Edward and Bella on the silver screen tomorrow night, but I’m happy to say I’m on the road to health. 

Let’s just hope I can get the nose to quit its water works performance so tomorrow I’m not known as Bozo instead of Becky.

If there is an Aldi’s grocery store in your area, and you haven’t been yet, please stop reading this and GO! 

Welcome back!  Wasn’t that awesome!?

For those of you that aren’t lucky enough to have an Aldi’s in your area, allow me to explain the bizarreness and fabulousness that is this 8th wonder of the world.  Ever wondered what it would be like to sell groceries at your garage sale?  Well, welcome to Aldi’s. 

First, you can’t just GET a cart.  No sir-ree!  That is reserved for those FANCY stores.  At Aldi’s, even though the ghetto is a good 20 miles away, you have to rent a cart for $.25.  Yes.  For real.

Saldy, since they don’t give you a handbook upon entering for your cherry voyage, I didn’t understand this concept until my son, on our 3rd trip there, figured it out. 
“Mom!  You put a quarter in here, and then the cart comes out.  And when we’re done, you put the cart back and it spits out your quarter.” 
FANTASTIC!

Aside from the carts on rent, the prices at Aldi’s are ridiculous.  They are easily 50% less than a normal grocery store.  They sometimes have brand names but more often than not, it’s some random Aldi’s brand.  Which really doesn’t matter because Ben and I can’t taste the difference in the cereal, chips, milk, yogurt, etc. 

All the food is in a very garage sale like setting.   Actually “setting” is too serious a term for their displays.  It’s more:
“Frank, I gots a new box of Cocoa Rice.” 
“Great Bob, just ah, open it up dere.  The folks can just get it out of dat box.  No need to actually take ‘er out of da big box.  Dat might make our prices go up.”

One of the other rockin’ things about Aldi’s is not only do they NOT bag for you, they don’t even HAVE bags.  You either have to bring your own (so environmentally friendly) or buy one for a nickel.   Ben and I have had many a fit of laughter while we tried to juggle our groceries sans cart or bag.  

When checking out they literally throw all your stuff in an empty cart which you take over to the side to bag up yourself.  You know you have hit Aldi’s royalty if the checker 1) makes eye contact with you and 2) tells you your total.  Otherwise you just have to look and figure it out yourself.  Oh and please don’t even think about using a credit card.  They only take cash and debit.

See?  Cheap prices + laughing + good food = happy people.

So last week over lunch, I stopped tp pick up some staples.   As I was walking in, a woman who was on her way to return her cart said, “Do you need a cart?” 

“Sure.  Thank you!” I said as I tried to hand her a quarter.

“No.  Keep it.”  she said.

“Thanks again!” I said as I happily walked into the store with a little spring in my step, plotting what awesome things I would do with my new twenty five cent fortune.

Once I had all my goodies, I got in line behind a nice woman, who even though she was struggling with her lot of food and her three year old, made room for me and found me one of those separator thingys.  

While I was putting my food on the conveyor belt, I overheard the guy behind me saying to an older gentlemen, “That’s all you have?  By all means, go ahead.” and ushered him forward.  Since such a beautiful lass as myself couldn’t possibly be without a man, this older guy thought we were together and reached over me to put his one box of cornflakes in front of my stuff.    Of course I didn’t say anything because this was a grocery store clearly full of love and magic and I wasn’t about to break that spell. 

Right as I was walking my cart, full of paid groceries, over to the side to pack them all up in my one sad little plastic bag, a woman came in with a ton of paper bags for people to have and use.   Again… FANTASTIC!

While I was about to put my cart away, after feeling the generosity of my fellow Aldi’s shoppers, I began to feel guilty for just taking my $.25 pot of gold.  Until what to my wondrous eyes should appear but a woman walking up towards the carts!

“Do you need a cart?”  I asked eagerly.

“Oh.  Yes.  Thank you!”  she said as she tried to hand me a quarter.

“No.  Keep it.”  I said.  “Some woman gave me this cart to use and now I’m giving it to you.  Maybe when you are done you’ll give it to someone else.  We’ll see how long we can keep this going.”

She laughed and said “Thank you!  I’ll do that…”  And off she walked into the glory that is Aldi’s.

It may not be much, but these strangers and their random acts of kindness in a discount grocery store, threw some sun on my otherwise very rainy, non eventful Wednesday.

Wordless CANNOTWAITFORTHISMOVIE Wednesday

Ben: Mom?

Me: Yeah honey?

Ben: What is the body part that has a circle and then like a little tail coming off of it.

My heart stops and my throat starts to close.  I knew this day would come but I didn’t really expect it on a Tuesday morning as I was getting ready for work.   So I stall.

Me: Um what?   A tail you say?

Ben: Yeah, it’s like a circle and then there’s this little squiggly tail coming off of it.  What is that?

Now I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, ready and physically stable to have The Conversation.  Yet I stall some more.

Me: Where did you see that honey?  

Ben: In The Sims.

Me: The SIMS?!? 

Sims doesn’t have ANYTHING graphic, let alone sperm running around.

Ben: Yeah a doctor in my Sims game pulled out this thing from a patient’s middle and it looked like a big circle with a tail.

Thank you baby Jesus, I’m saved!  I’m SO SAVED!

Me (with perhaps a little TOO much enthusiasm): A STOMACH!!  (arms shooting up in the arm like I just signaled a touchdown)  THAT’S THE STOMACH!!  Gross huh?

And I have never been more excited to talk about intestines and poop in all my life.

Change is a funny thing.  I used to be a firm believer that people didn’t really change.  We were who we were and that was that.   You played with the cards life dealt you. 

That was until it was ME that wanted to change.  Until it was me that WAS changing.  Until a dear friend said “Maybe you weren’t ready before.  Now you are.”

Without going into all the gory details, because god knows that laundry doesn’t need to be aired out for all, let’s just say I’m looking forward to a much simpler, much less stressful, happy life. 

And I realized just the other day, that without my even knowing it, my outsides had begun to match my insides.

Almost a year ago I went from being a very high maintenance blonde:

Back to my natural color:

Minus touch-ups for the gray that pushes it’s insistent self through.  Which to me, ISN’T natural.  How can a 22 year old go gray???

In addition, the other major change as of late is my nails went from these claws:

to these…

Sorry for making those of who have known me for my entire adult life pass out from the shock. 

You see, for the past 14 years (Yes, really. One. Four.) I have gone into the nail salon dutifully every two weeks.  Spending countless hours and countless cash for this upkeep. 

And then one day, a couple weeks ago, I literally couldn’t take it anymore.  It all of the sudden seemed so absurd and such a colossal pain in the ass.  I had this overwhelming feeling that I wanted them off.  That I needed THEM GONE.  NOW!  
And even though someone last Saturday night said, “What happened to your beautiful nails?  Last time I saw you they were so nice.”  I love this new part of me. 

Don’t worry my Minneapolis friends; I promise I haven’t turned into a total Madison Hippie.  I won’t start dating men who don’t shower and I won’t turn in my cotton for hemp.  I also won’t give up my heels for clogs…  Except, oops.  It might be a little too late for that one.

I know it’s not the end of 2008 and perhaps I should have saved all this great self reflection for a New Years Resolution.  But really?  Why wait?  Change is good.  It’s refreshing and hopeful.  And I’m happy.  I’m digging this new Mikkimoto. 

Just like my new weak baby nails that are finally seeing the light after being in the dark for more than a decade, we will both get stronger with time and cherish this new natural life. 

But um, if anyone has some good tips on how to get my rice paper consistency nails into something that resembles anything even remotely strong, PLEASE let me know. 

One day I’ll like to use my nails to scratch my head instead of the nearest utensil.

My friend Kim recently told me that she asked her eight year old son, Owen, if he wanted to go to Washington D.C. for the Presidential Inauguration in January.  Why she didn’t ask me is another story for another time.  One in which she may or may not continue to be my friend.

ANYWAY…. Owen responded with, “Really?  That would be so fun! Do we get to ride the trains?”

“Everywhere!” his mother replied.

Owen look concerned, paused and then finally said, “But Mom, are we going to have enough change?  Barack Obama said we need a lot of change.”

You know, maybe Owen is on to something.  Maybe Obama was talking about coins.  Hey, whatever will help the economy works for me.

Dear MySpace,

Hey.  How are you?  You doing OK?  I hope you aren’t too lonely.  

I know, I haven’t been around much lately.  It’s just… well this is hard.  But I feel I should be honest with you.  The reason I haven’t logged onto you recently is because… well… um, you have sorta been replaced by another Social Network.   Facebook.

I know it’s hard to hear but I can’t help my feelings.  Facebook is just SO FUN!  It’s not that you weren’t fun in the beginning.  You were THE BEST a couple years ago.  It was great to check out people’s sites, see what they put on their bullentin board, listen to their song of choice, or respond to a comment or two. 

But MySpace?  How can you compete with being kidnapped, flinging food and being Super Poked?  Not to mention being able to comment on other’s statuses.  That in and of itself is too much fun.

 Dave Friedman at 5:32pm November 8

Say hi to Barack for me.

 Ann Carothers at 6:28pm November 8

hehehe…

 Josh Kramer at 6:58pm November 8

sorry…Im busy…raincheck

Now instead of logging onto to you in the evenings, I’m stuck flinging kiwi fruit at Steve, cupcakes at Janine or pizza at Shelly.  Ann, now she’s a tough one.  As soon as I throw rigatoni at her, she back throwing lollipops at me.  And those are sticky! 

Also do you really expect me to ignore all the quizzes that Facebook has to offer?  How can I get through the day without knowing which 80’s movie I’m most like??!? 

The other thing, MySpace, is that so many more people are on Facebook.  It’s, well, sorta cooler.  I’m sorry, but you just aren’t the “it” thing anymore.  You have become the trashy version of the online social networking world.  It’s not really fair because now that I have reconnected with friends from elementary school and high school; not to mention finding old boyfriends who are now bald and married, I’m hooked.

OUCH!  Sorry.  Leo just threw Michael Phelps at me.   You wouldn’t understand.  It’s a Facebook thing. 

Anyway MySpace, I guess this is goodbye.  Until you are easier to navitgate, don’t give me a virus every time I log into you, allow me to have my blog networked through you and let me throw Barack Obama at my cousin, this is the end of the line.

Thanks for being my first Social Network.  I’ll never forget you.

Hugs and kisses,

Me

Wordless Wednesday

A Friday afternoon email exchange:

Becky: Ugh, I’m so done with this week.

Shelly: Me too.  I just want to crawl into a little hole and not come out for a few days.

Becky: No kidding!  Going to bed at 9 tonight sounds really great right now.

Shelly: With hot apple cider.

Becky: or red wine and beef stew.

Shelly: No red wine!  You’d be up at 2.

Becky: Oh yeah!  God.  STUPID!  Remind me what would I do without you?

**If you don’t have one of these people in your life, get one.  NOW!  Otherwise life can be very scary and potentially disastrous. 

Mine is on vacation this week so there is really no telling what sort of trouble I’m likely to get into.  Luckily she is just a text away.

So yeah…  Hi Internet.  What’s up?

Oh me?  Yeah, nothing’s new.  And that’s the problem… NOTHING. IS. NEW!

Is anyone else out there suffering from major Election Withdrawl?  Of course I’m thrilled with the outcome but now I just find myself at a loss and not sure what to do with myself.

I keep searching endlessly for the next debate.  Surely TV Guide must be wrong.  Didn’t Johnny Mack want TEN townhall debates?  Since there was only one of those, where are the others???

I’m like Paula Cole, but instead of singing “Where Have All The Cowboys Gone…” I’m singing, ”Where Have All the Yard Signs Gone…”  Bring them back!  I miss counting how many Obama signs there were from our place to my parents.

There must be some poll to study needlessly.  Right?  Where are the exit polls?  I NEED SOME POLLS PEOPLE!!!!  And I need more plumbers to make fun of. 

Forget the October surprise.  I want a December Surprise!   And no, I don’t mean what’s under the tree.

You can’t string me along for almost TWO YEARS and then just have it be over.  SNAP!  Just like that.  In ONE NIGHT!?!  Don’t we recount any more?  My god this one was over before my bedtime!  (Again, NOT complaining about the results…)

Having the election over is like Rip Van Winkle waking from a year long slumber.

“Who are you little boy?  MY SON!  Holy shit.  I have a kid.  Huh.”

“What is that over there?  A washer and dryer you say?  Odd.  What’s that for?”

“Weird this refridgerator thing has no food in it.  How did that happen?”

I suppose there is no denying it.  Now that Election 2008 is over it’s time to get back to my life. 

Which I will do, right after I read the wonderful Newsweek article about our 44th President,

and make sure my countdown to Bush’s Last Day is accurate.