3am Saturday

“Of course he has to be at the one friend’s house who lives 25 minutes away.”

“Too bad this wasn’t yesterday.  I could have stopped at Old Navy for some shopping.  Everyone needs a $5 fleece.  At 3 AM.”

“I better not get in an accident.  I’m not wearing a bra.”

“Actually, what the hell am I wearing?  Good lord.  I hope I don’t get stopped by the fashion police.  I’m in massive violation.  In fact, if I were walking down the street someone might give me $5 and point me in the direction of the nearest homeless shelter.”

“So this is what it feels like to be out past bar time.”

“Hey!  Taco Bell really IS open late.  I could so go for a Nacho Bell Grande.  Slight detour perhaps?”

“Thank God Matt and I didn’t pick last night to find our true calling as Rock Stars and therefore have to pick the child up in a cab.”

“I haven’t seen another car in the longest time.  This is so cool.  I bet this is what it’s like on the Autobahn.  Without any other cars and the fact that I’m only going 40 in a 55.  Oops.  At this rate I’ll get there by 4:30.”

“That was sweet of Matt to offer to come with me.  I should have taken him up on it.  I bet he would go to Taco Bell with me.”

“This kid better sleep until noon.”

Thanksgiving is one of my top 3 favorite holidays. It’s in the fall – love fall. It’s centered all around eating – I’m a big fan of The Food. And it’s a day that is about hanging out with friends and family watching football. No gifts allowed.

Therefore, as I did last year, I feel it only right to mention a few of the things I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving 2009.

• I’m thankful for that 2009 really was my year!
• I’m thankful for my boy who brings me continual joy and still puts up with his embarrassing mother.
• I’m thankful to PlentyofFish.com for introducing me to the love of my life. (Yes. He really is)
• I’m thankful for finally getting on Twitter as my love for the Tweets is so strong I can’t go an hour 5 minutes without checking to see what’s up.
• I’m thankful that today I’m having a good hair day since I’m meeting much of Matt’s family for the first time.
• I’m thankful the Octomom isn’t my mother.
• I’m thankful for all my friends.  Old and new.  Real and virtual.
• I’m thankful for the cutie kids I baby-sit that after I tuck them into bed at night I know I won’t see them across the breakfast table in the morning.  Go Team IUD!
• I’m thankful my son has no interest in High School Musical or Miley Cyrus.  By the grace of a higher power he actually has great taste in music (Coldplay, The Killers and Owl City to name a few.)
• I’m thankful for the cranky-old-man-who-is-actually-younger-than-me-coworker who makes me laugh every day and actually makes work fun.
• I’m thankful in this economy I even have a job.  That I love.
• I’m so thankful I have this blog as an outlet for all my crazy thoughts. Otherwise, my head would explode and crazy would be everywhere for someone poor sap to clean up.
• I’m thankful for Old Navy coupons.
• I’m thankful for that glass of cold white wine that greets me so nicely at the end of a long day.
• I’m thankful that after a year of taking off my artificial nails, I finally have strong normal nails rather than rice paper on the ends of my fingers.
• I’m thankful for my cousin/sister/friend.
• and I’m most thankful for all my readers who make me laugh, make me think and show me that you’re still out there…reading. Thank you!

Your turn!

Wordless Wednesday

*This amazing quilt was done by Natalie Sewell (aka: my mom).  Check out her other beautiful art here.

The holidays are upon us. In fact they are so close if you look out your front window you’ll see them getting out of the cab, paying the cabbie about to walk through your front door.

Before they ascend and bring all the craziness that IS them, let me give you some quick survival techniques that have worked for me in the past and hopefully will make the next month and a half not only bearable but maybe even fun.

1. Breathing is important. So do it! Often! Breathe in, breathe out. Slow deep breaths. Hyperventilating and having panic attacks are so Christmas 2008.

2. When you hear the radio ads and see the TV commercials with all the happy people that are so happy that happy holidays are here, remember, they are actors. Who most likely hate the holidays as much as you, and after taping this commercial went home to their drunk fat husband who smells like summer sausage.

3. If you can’t afford it, don’t get it.  Trust me your kid will appreciate dinner 365 days a year more than a Wii.  Same goes with friends and family.  I actually like this time of year but only because I have finally said to friends and family, “I love you, but let’s skip the gifts. Let’s do dinner or just come over for wine.”  I have never known anyone to reply, “Oh can’t we PLEASE spend unnecessary money on each other?? Please?!?!”  Ben especially loves this. Nothing says MERRY CHRISTMAS KIDDO! like a tree with no presents beneath. OK fine. So #3 applies only to friends and GROWN relatives, not the kid.

4. Along those same lines, if this year’s Christmas card is stressing you out, don’t send one. In the past I have turned myself into a pretzel trying to create the perfect card to send out. This year, eh. So not worth it. If I get a cute shot of Ben I’ll send one. If I don’t, between this blog, Facebook and Twitter I’m already so in everyone’s face they’ll probably appreciate the break at the mailbox.

5. Don’t try to be Martha Stewart. There is only one Martha and trust me, she has her own issues. Just do the best you can and make sure your bathrooms are clean. The people coming over are going to be so relieved they don’t have to host in their home, anything will make them happy.

6. When possible, try not to fight the shopping mobs and for the love of everything that is good and holy in this world, AVOID THE MALLS ON THE WEEKENDS!  Do quick errands over lunch or after work. Between now and 12/23 the stores are ugly. Knowing is half the battle.

7. Make a list and check it twice. Know exactly what you are getting (or at least have a couple ideas) before you get out into Retail Hell. Do your research online and then call the store to make sure they have it in stock. This will save your sanity.

8. Don’t forget to have time for yourself. While wrapping presents, open up that bottle of wine, put on your favorite holiday CD, light some candles and just chill. This time of year is for you too damnit!

9. Finally remember the holidays aren’t about perfection. Getting the perfect present, finding the perfect tree, making the perfect meal.  BLAH!  It’s about being with friends and family. It’s about remembering the past year and getting geared up for the next. Let’s put the “Happy” back in “Happy Holidays!”

10. and if none of this works, just throw up your hands, yell “F@CK IT!” as loud as you can, climb back into bed with the covers pulled up tight and know that as each day passes January 2nd gets closer and closer.

Tomorrow night Shelly and I are headed out to see a very low budget, not very popular movie you most likely haven’t heard a thing about. It’s a little show called New Moon.  I know, who has ever heard of the Twilight Saga, right?  Like the theory of Vampires would ever catch on.  You know, they should really learn how to promote this movie. Might get some more tickets sold.

Huh, I just did a Google search on this flick and I guess a few people do know about it. It appears that EVERY SINGLE TALK SHOW, whether it’s daytime or late night, has had a New Moon cast member on. And Twitter has blown up with talk of this movie.

Fine! So every Tweener and their Tweener little brother has been waiting in line and going ape over this movie.  BUT SHELLY AND I WERE THERE FIRST!!!  We read all the novels BEFORE YOU!  And!  We put it on our calendars before some of these kids, who will be sharing the theater with us, were even born!  So there!  (I am very mature.)

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to iron my Team Edward t-shirt

and affix my “Bite Me Edward” tattoo. Yes, my name is Becky and I’m an almost 40 Twilight Mom. Suck it.

I can’t wait to have my popcorn either!

Wordless Wednesday

Before Matt came along our small but cute kitchen was mostly used for storage of my purse, wine and the coffee maker.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy cooking, I do!  But it’s not very fun to cook for a kid who’s main diet consists of peanut butter on a bagel, yogurt, hot dogs and if we were getting really “Top Chef ” chicken nuggets with frozen corn. 

So when Matt graciously entered my life, the June Cleaver gene kicked in hardcore.  Now I’m that woman who has her little list at the grocery store, getting all the ingredients for the week’s family meals (please read that sentence in Sarah Palin’s voice).  I do love it.  Until I actually have to cook the meal… in my kitchen.

As you can see, I don’t have the biggest kitchen (and it’s not normally this messy.  This was after a dinner party with lots of wine wherein I thought, “Dude! Check out this mess.  Totally taking a picture!”)  What’s worse is that this kitchen is in the middle of the apartment.  Not even close to a window or any other major ventilation.  Sure there is a fan over the stove but it’s more like a hint of a fan with the air pressure of a heavy breather.  

The other thing in my small enclosed kitchen?  The downstairs smoke alarm.  Because that’s a great spot for it. 

Again, before Matt, I never noticed it because as luck should have it, not much smoke is created while making Frosted Flakes.  But cooking that man of mine up some sausage in the morning?  Woo boy! 

“BLLLLLEEEEEEPPPPP!”

This piece of fire prevention is not subtle.  It’s fog horn loud.  It’s F-16 jet loud.  It’s Fran Drescher loud.  Not only that but it’s as sensitive as a 14 year old girl with PMS having a bad hair day.  You just think a hot thought and it goes off.  This smoke alarm is VERY dedicated to it’s work. No fires are going on under it’s watch!

Which is endearing but really?  Taking something out of the oven?  “BLLLLEEEEPPPPP!”  Making rice on the stove?  “BLLLLEEEEGGGGHHH!”  God forbid you flip those pancakes! “BLLLLLAAAAAOOOOOWWWW!” 

Sunday morning I was making TOAST.  Not over an open flame.  IN THE TOASTER!   Matt walked in the kitchen and “BLLLEEEEEEEPPPPP!”  Since I hadn’t yet had enough coffee and apparently I’m still in denial about the power of The Alarm, I yelled “Why did you set that off?”  Poor Matt looked at me like I just grew another nose.  “I didn’t.  I walked in and it went off.”

So now, Mr Alarm thinks body heat plus one small appliance equals grave danger.

Enough is enough.  My ears hurt and my heart can’t take much more.  I really need to have a sit down with my Protector On The Wall and let him know the difference between smoke and steam. 

Because as long as Matt is around, and thankfully he’s not going anywhere for a long long time, I’ll be in my little nook cookin’ away.

In the car on the way home:

Ben: Wow, they are right! Counting cows totally works. I was just counting cows and I got super sleepy. Even yawned.

Me: What? Counting what?

Ben: Cows.

Me: Um Ben, usually people count SHEEP. Not cows.

Ben: Yeah well, that’s stupid. Counting cows is much more relaxing.

Me: laughing. Really? How do you figure?

Ben: Think about it Mom. A sheep goes “BAAAA!” and that’s such an annoying sound. It’s like a string being plucked. “BAA!”  But “moo” makes me calm. Sounds almost like a yawn.

Me: Moooo-awn.

Ben: Exactly!  Mooooo-awn.

Me: more laughing. I like it.

Ben: You’re going to blog about this, aren’t you?

Me: Possibly.

Wordless Wednesday (this one’s for you Lisa!)

The other day at work, while I was listening to my Madonna radio station on Pandora, Michael Jackson’s (ya know because he and Madonna were BFF’s) “Beat It” came on.

When we heard “don’t be a macho man…“  it got Josh and I talking. No one uses the word “Macho” anymore. Seriously when was the last time you heard someone described as “Macho”?

For those of you that are awesome-70’s-Lingo impaired, Wikipedia describes “macho” as “A person who is overtly masculine, hence the Spanish word Machismo”

This word is truly fantastic but has sadly fallen by the vocab wayside.

Therefore, just like Justin Timberlake brought “sexy” back, I’m bringing “macho” back.

It’s going to be all the rage. I can see it now! Tween’s all over will be describing the hottest guy at school as “Macho!” Rappers will be saying their new hot ride is so “macho!” The cell phone airwaves will be flooded with text messages saying “U R 2 Macho 4 me”. Applebee’s greatest new appetizer will be the “Macho Nacho”. I might even change my name to Princess Mikkimacho? I think I’m going to make David Hasselhoff the poster boy for this retro word.  Because really what’s more “macho” that this hunk of burning love!?

Clearly I’m going to be very busy with this new campaign. In fact I’m now off to start the “macho” storm on Twitter.

Or perhaps I could work on getting a life and in turn, find something more meaningful to blog about next time.  Until then, sorry but those 2 minutes of your life that you spent reading this drivel are non-refundable.

How MACHO is that?