Wordless Wednesday

Dear 2009,

Hi sweetie.  I’ll make this short since I know you are on your death bed.  And for that I’m truly so sorry. 

When you were just a twinkle in Father Time’s Eye I declared you “My Year” and whoa, you didn’t disappoint.   I knew we would be close friends but I never expected you to present me with an engraved “Becky + 2009 = BFF 4eva” necklace. 

The minute I rang you in, you were a good time.  Last New Years was the best I have had in years.  Shortly after I moved into a fabulous new apartment, and My President was inaugrated. And that was just the first month!

During you I got letters from lonely prisoners, got my finances finally in order, had a fun carefree summer, and maybe most important of all, finally met him.

And for that 2009, I’ll forever be grateful.

Hey, before you join the other years in Past Year Heaven, since we are so close and all, do you think you could put in a good word with your baby brother 2010 for me?  Since I still have bruises from your bitch Step Sister 2008, I think I deserve one more fabulous year.  Pretty please?

See ya on the other side 2009.  And hey, thanks again!  I’ll never forget you.

Love,
Me

Wordless Wednesday

Last Thursday night found my mother and I at the Olive Garden getting a carbo load for our last minute Christmas shopping. I’m so not one of those people who in July finds just the right gift for Uncle Pete and Aunt Sue. Nah, I’m an old fashioned “FORTHELOVEOFGODIHAVELESSTHANAWEEKLEFTWHATAMIGOINGTOGET!?!?” kind of girl. Because if it’s not stressful it’s not the holidays.

We entered the mall with our bellies full and lists in hand.  We had gusto!  We had spirit!  Ambition!  Merry Christmas to all and to all a good shop!

The first store we rocked. They were having such amazing deals that if it wasn’t at least 55% off it wasn’t worth buying.   $2.97 for an ornament?  Sort of steep but OK.

However we soon found that it ruined us for the rest of the mall. $30 for a candle at Pottery Barn! My god! Could Donald Trump even afford things here? $40 for a bottle of shampoo at Aveda? Is your hair made of gold?  And don’t even get me started on the Apple store. Genius Bar or not, this girl is not spending $50 on a case for my iPod Touch.

By the time we got to JCPenney’s we still had many a gift to buy but our stamina was quickly waning. It didn’t help that Christmas time equals winter in Wisconsin which also equals lugging your coat, gloves, hat and scarf in addition to your purse and packages. It’s hard.  And hot.  Even the shifting of arm to arm wasn’t helping after awhile. We longed for a stroller, a wagon or a Sherpa. Or a locker. Remember when malls had lockers? Do they still?  I would have given my left hand for a locker to store all my crap. But sadly there was no locker, mule or stroller to be found, so we trudged our way along wondering, “Since when did this mall get hills? That only go uphill?”

When we finally ended up back at the original store, we were so exhausted and even more weighed down by our crap. When lo and behold! A Christmas miracle! Could it be true? Was it a mirage?! A cart! A beautiful glorious EMPTY cart sitting right by the escalator. With a gasp, I grabbed that sucker so fast I took out a small child in the act.

I loaded up my coat, packages, purse and proceeded to head to the “Up” escalator. My mother, already on the escalator said, “You can’t bring that up on this!” With a sly little smile I said, “WATCH ME!” Nothing was separating me from my new beloved.  So up and up my cart and I rose. Once on top I grabbed all of my mother’s belongings and plopped them too into the cart.

We were free! Oh the feeling was sheer bliss. With renewed hope we shopped some more. Desperate people everywhere stopped and asked, “Where did you get that cart?” “Amazing isn’t it!” I would reply while placing myself between them and The Cart.

Sadly there is only so much to look at in housewares and kids clothes, but damn if we didn’t check it all out.

At one point I looked at my again sagging mother and said, “How are we doing?”  She replied, “This cart is the only thing keeping us going.”

So with that, we took our cart back downstairs (this time in the elevator – who knew there was one of those) gathered our goods and thanked our trusty steed for all it’s help. Without it, Christmas might not have happened this year.

*I hope you and yours have a very Merry Holiday. Enjoy the food, the friends, the family and the time off of work. I’ll be back next week.

On the 8th day of Hanukkah my true love gave to me:

Eight candles shining

Seven killer presents

Six dreidels spinning

Five GOLDEN COINS!

Four crisp latkes

Three warm challahs

Two great big hugs

and a kiss on the cheek from Mom-mee! *kiss kiss*

(made up by Ben and Becky on a very slow second day of Hanukkah…)

*No homes were burned down as a result of this very precarious Menorah.

Wordless Wednesday

Winter: MOVE OVER Autumn! It’s MY turn now!

Autumn: Oh Winter, we go through this every year. Father Time has been very clear. The first day of You isn’t until December 21st and it’s only December 7th. I have a full two weeks left. You’ll get your turn soon enough.

Winter: Nope.  Now.  I’m bored.  Move over.  My turn.  Now! 

Autumn: Good cranberry sauce and gravy Winter, you are such a barbarian. Why can’t you be more like Spring and I? Sweet, sophisticated and short. Everyone loves us.

Winter: Summer and I think you stink.

Autumn: That’s lovely and so mature. Mother Nature truly has to teach you some manners.

Winter: Shut up. You are just a skinny stupid little season. I’m the biggest season. I’m BAD ASS!  Aww yeah.  And for the record, I can get out whenever I want.  I’m so busting through you and openin’ up my cold can of Whoop Ass. I’m gonna tear it up down there.  Oh and I can totally kick your ass too, Autumn.

Autumn: Has anyone ever told you you’re a pig?  You act like you were just created.  And seriously, where did you get that foul mouth of yours?  

Winter: From Summer.

Autumn: No wonder Mother Nature put Spring and I in between you two.  “Ooh look how HOT I can get.  Ooh look how COLD I can get and long I can last.”   Male seasons.  Never a good idea.

Winter: Whatever.  Hey, your Halloween is showing.

Autumn: You are mildly retarded, you know that.  What does that even mean? Did Father Time drop you on your head when you were a baby season?   Wait!  Where are you going?  Stop!  It’s not your time!  They aren’t ready for you, WINTER!  Stop it!  Hey! Ouch! That hurts! Get off me!

Winter:  As I said, I’m bored, it’s my turn and I’m outta here, Sista!  See ya later Fall-i-gator.

Autumn: MOTHER NATURE! Help! He’s getting out!  Son of a Jack O’ Lantern. Sorry everyone…I tried.

Winter: Whaddup world!  Here I am! 

Would ya take a look at dis! 

Awwww yeah.   God I’m gooooood!

Winter is officially in da hizouse!!!  BAM!

Wordless Wednesday

I’m goin’ Green here at Princess Mikkimoto and recycling a blog post I wrote last year.  Not only because we are in the midst of a blizzard here in Wisconsin, but mostly because writing this last December made my head explode.  I lost all creativity until Valentine’s day.  And I firmly believe, something that makes one’s head explode should be reused.

So I give you “‘Twas The Night Before A Snow Storm”:

Twas the night before a snow storm, when all through the city
Many a plan was canceled, which was such a pity.
The snow plows were waiting in the garages with care,
In hopes that Blizzard 2008 soon would be there.

The children were dusting and waxing their sleds,
While visions of a Snow Day danced in their heads.
With Ben in his jammies, and I on the ‘puter,
We sat and we waited, and couldn’t be cuter.

When on the TV there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my Facebook to see what was the matter.
Away to the living room I flew like a flash,
To watch the weather reporter with the really bad mustache.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a snow emergency in Madison. Oh my! Oh dear!
Eight inches! Nine inches! When would it stop?
I sure hoped the news anchor’s head would not pop!

With a little old snowflake, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment this storm made me sick.
More rapid than eagles my curses they came,
I whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Goddammit! No More! You Son of a Bitch!
I Can’t Stand This Winter You Evil Old Witch!
Snow on the top of the porch! On the top of wall!
Now melt away! Melt away! Melt away all!”

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The hail and the ice. It was all of the proof.
As I looked out the window and saw the snow shine,
I went to the kitchen to pour some more wine.

The piles of snow came down in huge clumps,
With a realization of this storm, on the couch I did flump..
But my son was quite happy and had a big grin,
As he exclaimed to his mother, “Don’t worry, we’ll stay in!”

He put on his Santa hat and looked like an elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

I gave into the storm and turned on the fire,
While Ben continued to bound. Would this boy ever tire?
But soon he too was swayed by the notion and theory,
That there would be no school tomorrow, which made him so cheery.

So no homework was done and no lunch was prepared.
And for me, perhaps even work might be spared.
So Mother and Son exclaimed with all of their might,
“Happy Snow Day to all, and to all a good-night!”

Dear Diary,

I have a new crush.  This morning I was introduced to the coolest, hippest, funniest person ever.  No, silly Diary, I wasn’t looking in the mirror.  And don’t worry Diary, I’m still very much in love with my boyfriend and still 99% heterosexual.  You see this is a Platonic Girl Crush.  I haven’t had one of these since I had my eyes set on Gwyneth Hartwig in the 2nd grade.

Her name is Ann.

I have actually met Ann before. In fact I knew her when we were kids.  She doesn’t remember but that’s ok.  I think.  Right?   I guess you could say “small world” except for the fact that the Jewish community in Madison isn’t that big.  Especially in the 70’s.  Our parents ran in the same Jewish Circle. 

And then Diary, a few months ago, my good friend Darcy said, “You have to read my friend Ann’s blog.  You guys would get along great.  She’s hilarious!”

Darcy was so right.  Ann’s Rants quickly became part of my blogroll and a favorite.  We became online friends but today Diary, today! Darcy put on her friend matchmaker suit and set us up.  We all met for coffee and that Friend Cockle of my heart just swelled.  

The hour and a half felt like 5 minutes.  We laughed, talked about ours kids, relationships and bored Darcy to death with much talk of Twitter, blogs and Cupcake 2010.    She’s going too!   

Ann brought along her adorable “Almost Three” son, and after he coughed all over the pastry display case and almost stole a muffin, we decided it was probably time to go. 

I think it was a great first meeting, minus that one small embarrassing moment, Diary.  At one point I may have called her son a cow.  BUT DIARY!  it was just because he was chewing some food and then spit some of it out and it reminded me of cud… yeah you don’t get it either.  Shoot.  Well Ann looked at me and said, “Did you just call my kid a cow?”  And I turned the color of Rudolph’s nose. 

It’s OK.  I don’t think she was really mad.  Right?  RIGHT DIARY?!  I’m pretty sure we can get over that transgression.  Especially after I give her the other half of my “best friends forever” necklace for Hanukkah. 

It was a good day, Diary.

Until tomorrow,
Me

p.s. do you think if I give her that BFF necklace she’ll tell me where she got those super cute boots she was wearing? Yeah…me too.