Obviously something has been up with me. If the past two posts haven’t clued you in, my silence and lack of blogging sure should have.

Now that I’m happily on the other side of this nightmare I can piece it all together and want to share it with you, as I have shared in the past.

A month after I was diagnosed with diabetes, I was feeling so great. I had energy for the first time in months, I was working out for the first time in years, I just felt amazing. I wrote on April 6th “my mood is so good I have even tapered off and ended my anti depressant.”

Oh dear.

Slowly and subtly over the summer I realized that plan in April wasn’t a great idea. I deserve to be at my very best and all those close to me can tell you, I wasn’t.

So right before Labor Day I called up my doctor and said, “Hey, can you prescribe that little pill for me again?” In addition, with diabetes comes depression so she was happy to and thought it was a good idea.

I started it on Tuesday the 7th.

Thursday the 9th I was up all night with heart palpitations and panic attacks. ALL NIGHT. I thought it was a one time deal. I was just stressed. It freaked me out but I just assumed it would go away.

Until I didn’t sleep on Saturday night, or Monday night, or the following Saturday night or Sunday night.

Here’s the thing. I sleep. That’s my gig. Ask anyone who has known me for more than a week. Becky sleeps. Throughout all stress, pain, fear, I still sleep.

This also wasn’t just “Oh I didn’t sleep last night.” Which really means I fell asleep at 3 am. I was awake. All night. I truly thought I had forgotten how to sleep and would never again.  (p.s. if you ever have insomnia never Google “Massive Sleep Deprivation Side Effects”. In fact stay far away from the Google.)

Matt’s alarm is set for 5 am.  Normally I never hear it.  One particular morning as I heard it and realized I had yet another sleepless night, I said in a quiet exhausted voice, “Fuck.”  To which poor scared confused Matt said, “NO!”

Me not sleeping was scaring all of us. I tried to be very brave for Ben even though I was absolutely terrified and so sleep deprived it took me 20 minutes to figure out how to make a sandwich for him.

Every day as evening approached I would start to panic. “Will I sleep tonight?” And let me just say, that doesn’t help.

By Monday morning I was insane. Depressed, anxious, sick. (Silver lining: a great way to drop five pounds fast) I would never wish sleep deprivation on my worst enemy. I would be asked “Are you still walking? Exercise helps.” To a woman who didn’t have the energy or the stability to do laundry or even brush her teeth, exercise was a pipe dream.

With the help of many hours on the phone with my mother, my best friend Darcy, and my cousin Amy (not a surprise those two are standing up for me in the wedding) I called my doctor on Monday morning and yelled from the mountain tops, “SOMETHING IS WRONG! HELP ME! PLEASE!”

Turns out, even though this one anti-depressant worked perfectly for years, I have a new body now. I have a new chemical make up and side effects that were never there before reared their ugly head this time around.

My doctor promptly switched me to a new medication at a lower dose and after a week I have finally gotten my life back. I still have some anxiety before sleep but as each night I sleep like the old Becky, I feel safer and better. To say I’m grateful is an understatement.

I purposely am not saying which drugs these are because everyone is different and from searching the message boards (BAD IDEA!) it’s not the medication. It’s how it reacts with each individual.

I wanted to write this very personal post in hopes that it may help someone who is going through the same thing or knows someone who is.

I also wanted to share the importance of being your own advocate. SCREAM for help! Beg for it. Don’t give up. No one has to suffer. I am so thankful I yelled. And yelled loud.

Again, I normally don’t get this personal but I felt this was important. This blog is mine, it’s my voice and honesty is something I have always prided myself on. With that said, please be gentle in your comments.