Dear Falcon,

Hey kiddo, how ya doing? Hopefully you can answer that question without throwing up.

Listen Fal, I’ll make this short since I’m sure you have gotten quite a bit of mail in the past 24 hours; not to mention I know first hand how slow a 6 year old can read.

Anyway, remember yesterday when we all thought you were stuck in a space ship/Jiffy Pop/balloon thing? Remember how I literally felt sick thinking there was this scared little kid being tossed around some cockamamie aircraft 7,000 feet up in the air? Remember how I stopped breathing when that balloon finally hit the ground? Remember how you weren’t IN said balloon? Remember how I was sure I was watching history in the making?

Yeah that was fun. Good times.  Because guess what? All the while you were NAPPING! In your garage! Not that I blame you for hiding from your very scary dad. I would too. Hey, good news is in just 12 short years you will not only be out of that house, you can legally change your name.

But Falcon…until then, next time your dad wants to use you for some bizarre publicity stunt, just say “NO!” Little Guy! Just say no.

Oh and also if you wouldn’t mind telling good ol Pop, that in addition to all the other fines he is going to accrue from the Colorado Sheriff’s department, the National Guard and the countless other people that wasted their time chasing a big Mylar balloon all over the Denver area, he owes me two hours of my life back.

Take care Falcon. And good luck buddy!

Love,

Me