Alternate title: I Wasted My Money On This Crap So You Don’t Have To.
Due to the sucky-ness that has been the month of April, I decided to present to you with three things I could have done without, I didn’t care of and that down right sucked.
1) Recently I ran out of my favorite mascara so I hightailed it to Target to replenish my supply. Only to find, to my great horror, they no longer carry it!
So instead I got what I thought would be a comparable second since Loreal makes this one as well. Not to mention it claimed to lengthen my little lashes to 80% of their normal length. WHOA! Sign me up!
Little did I know, it isn’t really Loreal who makes this product. It’s the Devil. Yes folks, Satan himself is now getting into cosmetics.
Behold! The hell that is this mascara (pun intended):
I’m fairly certain it’s no coincidence that it’s packaging is RED! For once I applied Lucifer’s black goo upon my innocent eyelashes almost immdediately my eyes started to sting.
“Hmm,” I thought, “perhaps I got a little in my eye. No worries. I’ll continue.”
As I foolishly went forth, the mascara not only smudged all over my eyelid but due to the inferno going on in my eye ball, they were so watery I could barely see. The last time this much water came out of my eyes was during a recent episode of Grey’s. Because I’m an idiot who thought this would pass and that somehow after 23 years of applying mascara I had forgotten the process, this pain was all my fault. Finally somewhere around mid-day I was able to see again.
Later on that night, barely getting through the day with my near blind status, I went to wash my face. I should have known the evilness that is this make-up wouldn’t give up that easy. It refused to come off! Instead of leaving my lashes like any other sane mascara, this crap came off in clumps, which were close to the consistency of rubber. I checked the Tube From Hell to make sure I didn’t mistakenly get waterproof and nope, that’s just the gem that is called “Double Extend”.
Let’s recap shall we? It burns the eyes, smudges to the eyebrow and back and then to add insult to injury, won’t come off. So unless you are auditioning for a a lead role as a tearful Tammy Faye Baker, I suggest staying far far away from this wonder.
2) For my birthday, Aveda sent me a postcard announcing that I could come in, pick out my favorite scent and have it added to either have a shampoo, lotion or small spray. What girl doesn’t love a free gift? (ok so this doesn’t fall into the “wasting my money” catagory) So with all the hope and joy of a puppy I bounded into Aveda and was eager to get some lotion since I was also out of that. (clearly I need to work on this “running out of stuff” stint I’m on.) I smelled many a different scent and finally settled on one that was very nice.
The next morning I was excited to use my new lovely scented lotion.
I put the normal amount in my hand and proceed to rub it on my skin. And I rubbed. And I rubbed. And I rubbed. Twenty minutes of rubbing with now sore arms and very late for work, I gave up. WHY WOULDN’T THIS SINK INTO MY SKIN?!?! Last I checked I wasn’t made of some synthetic material. I decided to just get dressed and let the lotion work it’s way into my skin on it’s own.
Fast forward a couple hours… I’m sitting at my desk at work and scratch my arm. And then scratch it again. Huh. Wow, this really itches. Ow, now it burns. I pull up my sleeve to find my whole arm is broken out in hives. For fun I rolled up my other sleeve to find that arm too was covered in nice red welts. I have been known to have sensitive skin but I have never broken out from a lotion. Especially one that I didn’t buy from a flee market in Tijuana.
Now I’m all about a free gift, but I rather it doesn’t take an hour to apply and subsequently give me hives. Clearly, not a fan. But nice try Aveda.
3) You all know by now I love to read. Obsessively so. One of my guilty pleasures is reading the memoirs of the rich and famous. Were you a celebrity? Were you found walking the streets of Hollywood in just your bra? Did you sleep with your cousin while putting your entire paycheck up your nose? PLEASE TELL ME YOU WROTE A BOOK!
Granted more times than not, these books are not well written. That’s fine. I get that. You’re a celebrity… you can’t be expected to be able to write too. But surprisingly some are actually very entertaining and almost good. Goldie Hawn’s book? Good! Tatum O’Neal’s memoir? Very interesting. Sadly even Tori Spelling’s ridiculousness seemed like Chaucer compared to this complete nightmare of a book.
Carrie Fisher. Carrie FISHER! What happened to you, Honey? You were Princess Leia for Christ sake! You wrote Postcards from The Edge. You have talent! So what the hell was this? I realize you had electric shock therapy recently but not even THAT is a good excuse for this thing called a book. Ben could have written something infinitely better. And not even a piece that was plagiarized.
I should really sue Fisher for Botox injections since the entire time I read this book my eyebrows were furrowed in a “WHAT THE F***IS THIS!” expression. Seriously, on one page I counted, 6 out of the 7 paragraphs started with “Anyway”. The other one? That started with “Well.”
The book made no sense. There was no rhyme or reason to it. The chapters didn’t flow in regard to subject, timeline, nothing! I did read the whole thing because not only was it like watching a train wreck, I had a glimmer of hope that Carrie would finally say, ”JUST KIDDING!” and it would end really well. She is a comedian after all. Sadly, that never happened.
I searched every page hoping to find the whack job that edited this catastrophe, only to find nothing. I don’t know how this even got published other than perhaps Princess Leia used The Force. Although this ended up on the Dark Side. Help her Obi Wan, you’re her only hope!
*****
So there you have it, Internet. Don’t say I never did anything for ya. Let my misfortunes be your guidance. Oh and for the record, I checked out “Wishful Drinking” (GAH!) from the library so techincally I only wasted money on the mascara. But isn’t my time worth MORE than money?
Yeah, don’t answer that.
