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Good Change Is Still Change

October 12, 2010

Recently with the help of those close to me (and by “help” I mean my mother and my cousin screaming “BECKY! THIS IS WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU!” The women in my family are bossy and loud.) I have realized that this “stuff” I’m going through is due to the fact that nothing in my life is the same as it was a year ago. Wait. Make that seven months ago.

I have been single and actively dating for twenty years. That’s two decades. I’ve been looking for “The One” longer than Justin Bieber has been on this planet. It was a way of life. It was, sometimes, how I defined myself. “He thinks I’m pretty.” “He thinks I’m a freak.”

I dreamed of finding someone like Matt for as long as I thought boys weren’t disgusting. And I never dreamed it could be this good. Now, I don’t have to date anymore. Look at other men. Scour dating sites. Figure out what I’m going to wear on Saturday night. I have him. I’m done with that chapter.

What do I do with that part of myself?

Along with finding Matt and getting married, comes the huge fact and realization I’m no longer a single parent. I’m no longer a single mom. That fact makes me happy to no end and yet, makes me wonder who I am?

Even when in other relationships, men I lived with, these guys were never fathers to my son. They knew it. I knew it.

But now I found a man, a husband and a father for my son. He happily takes him to his sporting events. He picks him up from my parents house during the week. They go to dinner together and rent movies. They play football in the park. They have their own life.

I’m no longer two parents for my kid. That huge, yet familiar and comfortable, responsibility has now been elevated. Again, this is wonderful but big. A massive change.

With that life partner of mine also comes also financial stability. I’m not going to get into details but lets just say that past decade raising Ben on my own, always wanting to live in a nice place for him, make sure he didn’t go without, was hard. Very hard.

I was proud and didn’t want to ask for help.

There were times when I was really broke. When we had $20 until payday and needed groceries. (p.s. I can say now that I really only had $21 until pay day. It wasn’t a game.) I worried about money all the time. All the time.

I’m hardly saying I’m rich now but that constant worry is gone. I don’t hunt down the best gas prices, I don’t check my bank balance several times a day. It’s not who I am anymore. This is a wonderful thing. I dreamed of being like this. However it’s new. A new different feeling. Not my normal “me”.

I am now diabetic. I will always have to watch what I eat. I will always wonder what my blood sugars are. Even when I’m off medication it will always be in my chart. It will always be part of my identity.

Diabetes has turned my life around when nothing else would. I no longer look to food for comfort. It doesn’t consume my every other thought. It’s energy and fuel. I’ve lost 30 pounds. My body doesn’t look the same. I exercise now because I love it and for mental health. Not because I “have” to. I love this but again, it’s change. And not my normal “me”.

Yes, these are all WONDERFUL changes. My tag-line is indeed correct. I’m truly living in my happily ever after. And I’m grateful for it all.

But for a girl who craves routine and organization lots of change, multiple changes all in the span of a few months is very unsettling. When your basic identity is drastically changed, you go through “stuff” until it feels right. Until you can sit with this new self and recognize her.

Even though the change is good, hoped for, and yearned for it’s still change.

No wonder I wasn’t sleeping…

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changes, depression, diabetes, ENGAGED, family, life lessons

Change of Direction

September 13, 2010

I didn’t end up going to Minneapolis. My body checked the “no” box on this trip.

Thursday night my bag was packed, the GPS was set, the car full of gas.

But also on Thursday night my mind would not shut off.

Instead of sleep I tossed, I turned, I watched Chelsea Lately, I practiced my breathing techniques that are clearly quite rusty since they didn’t work worth a hill of beans, and then I panicked. I worried that I would have to drive four plus hours alone while not feeling well and being totally exhausted.

Therefore, after a totally sleepless night it was decided this was my body’s not so subtle way of saying, “BE STILL!”

Friday morning I emailed my friends and hunkered down at home with my boys for three days of no plans. Even though I was proud for not pushing myself, I discovered that a full weekend with no plans also gave me anxiety. Again I realized how big my problem was. We have been on the go so much that I’m not even comfortable without Saturday and Sunday being filled to the brim.

So I breathed, made some coffee and promptly got addicted to a new Facebook game thereby successfully turning the weekend into a quiet, relaxing and downright lazy time.

This weekend was also eye opening.

I know I have said this before but this time I really mean it. Once the current commitments are done, gone will be the days of weekends with no downtime and weeknights with back to back activities.

Instead of just seeing an open spot on the calendar and plopping something in, I will actually look to see what is surrounding that new activity. I will also not try to do it all myself. I’ll ask for help and accept it. I’m not alone anymore. My mental health, my physical health, my family needs a break.

Even though I’m sad I missed the conference, missed meeting some amazing women and that sleepless night was quite upsetting, it all happened for a reason.

As I write this Matt is at Ben’s baseball game, without me. I’ll do soccer on Wednesday.

My life bonked me on the head again but this time with enough force for it to hurt.

And this time, I listened.

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changes, I'm just the girl who can't say no, life lessons

Mothering Then and Now…

January 19, 2010

Recently, with being on Twitter 24/7 often, and being at Cupcake with all those cute new moms, I have been much more exposed to the Mother of Today than before and I have to tell you, I’m amazed.

Actually, I’m in awe. Open mouthed gaping, jaw dropping awe.

When Allison over Twitter asked, “Ok, mommas, do I REALLY have to not give my baby any WHEAT products until he’s 1 year old?” I assumed she was talking about giving her six month old a loaf of wheat bread with bologna on top. Only to find out the poor woman was talking about CHEERIOS!

CHEER-I-OS!

The safest thing out there? God’s gift to a mother of an infant? Hell, Ben had Cheerios 20 minutes after he was born. “Here’s your baby ma’am. Would you like to give him a bottle, breastfeed or just start on Cheerios?”

My mom used to throw a handful of Cheerios in my brother’s crib in order to get 15 minutes more of sleep when he was 6 months old. And now the medical world is trying to take away the heaven that are those little O’s from sleep deprived MOTHERS?! Madness.

This insanity got me thinking about how much things have changed in the last ten years. I feel like one of those old fogies saying, “I walked to school uphill both ways under a constant blizzard” but really, times, they have a changed.

We aren’t in 2000 anymore, Toto. When I was baby rearing Ben there was no co-sleep. Or if there was co-sleeping it sure wasn’t talked about much. In 2000 it was best to put your baby in his huge crib down the hall. The advice I got? Roll up a towel to make the crib feel more snug rather than having this baby feel like he was sleeping in a California King. Instead of sleeping with my child, I slept with the baby monitor.

I never wore a sling. In fact I thought, until recently, they were just for broken arms. I did once use this backwards backpack like contraption but it was so complicated and confusing that after an hour of trying make it work, we were both sobbing.

Ten years ago we weren’t worried about the quality of our plastic. In fact I MICROWAVED his milk in PLASTIC BOTTLES! Gasp! And I mean he’s fine. Sure there is that twitch and a third ear growing but really, he’s so fine.

Don’t even get me started on vaccinations. No one talked about autism or mercury. It was more a concern of who is going to hold his legs while I held his arms.

There was organic food but it wasn’t on every aisle in the grocery store and I swear there was no organic baby food, at least for this lady who whipped through the grocery store, coupons in hand praying the baby would be happy with his pacifier and the Jazz Hands entertainment.

So my Carrie Bradshaw question is, if I had a baby in 2010 would I be a different mother? I often wonder what Ben’s baby years would have been like if his mother had Twitter, this blog and Facebook, instead of asking advice to Hope on “Days of Our Lives”. (She never did tell me how hard it was with Shawn-Douglas.)

Maybe these things were always around to those that weren’t stuck under rocks called “I’m Doing This On My Own, SAVE ME!” Maybe I’m more open now and therefore seeing things differently. Or maybe there is just more for the 2010 Mother to choose from and information to access.

Regardless, to the mothers of today and women who will be the mothers of tomorrow; I tip my hat off to you and bow gracefully out of this race. For I have my own pre-teen with the eye rolling so large it effects the tides. And just try to rip the Twitter, Blog World and Facebook out my hands.

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changes, life, parenting

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

November 17, 2008

Change is a funny thing. I used to be a firm believer that people didn’t really change. We were who we were and that was that. You played with the cards life dealt you.

That was until it was ME that wanted to change. Until it was me that WAS changing. Until a dear friend said “Maybe you weren’t ready before. Now you are.”

Without going into all the gory details, because god knows that laundry doesn’t need to be aired out for all, let’s just say I’m looking forward to a much simpler, much less stressful, happy life.

And I realized just the other day, that without my even knowing it, my outsides had begun to match my insides.

Almost a year ago I went from being a very high maintenance blonde:

Back to my natural color:

Minus touch-ups for the gray that pushes it’s insistent self through. Which to me, ISN’T natural. How can a 22 year old go gray???

In addition, the other major change as of late is my nails went from these claws:

to these…

Sorry for making those of who have known me for my entire adult life pass out from the shock.

You see, for the past 14 years (Yes, really. One. Four.) I have gone into the nail salon dutifully every two weeks. Spending countless hours and countless cash for this upkeep.

And then one day, a couple weeks ago, I literally couldn’t take it anymore. It all of the sudden seemed so absurd and such a colossal pain in the ass. I had this overwhelming feeling that I wanted them off. That I needed THEM GONE. NOW!
And even though someone last Saturday night said, “What happened to your beautiful nails? Last time I saw you they were so nice.” I love this new part of me.

Don’t worry my Minneapolis friends; I promise I haven’t turned into a total Madison Hippie. I won’t start dating men who don’t shower and I won’t turn in my cotton for hemp. I also won’t give up my heels for clogs… Except, oops. It might be a little too late for that one.

I know it’s not the end of 2008 and perhaps I should have saved all this great self reflection for a New Years Resolution. But really? Why wait? Change is good. It’s refreshing and hopeful. And I’m happy. I’m digging this new Mikkimoto.

Just like my new weak baby nails that are finally seeing the light after being in the dark for more than a decade, we will both get stronger with time and cherish this new natural life.

But um, if anyone has some good tips on how to get my rice paper consistency nails into something that resembles anything even remotely strong, PLEASE let me know.

One day I’ll like to use my nails to scratch my head instead of the nearest utensil.

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changes, life