Ben: Mom?

Me: Yeah honey?

Ben: What is the body part that has a circle and then like a little tail coming off of it.

My heart stops and my throat starts to close.  I knew this day would come but I didn’t really expect it on a Tuesday morning as I was getting ready for work.   So I stall.

Me: Um what?   A tail you say?

Ben: Yeah, it’s like a circle and then there’s this little squiggly tail coming off of it.  What is that?

Now I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, ready and physically stable to have The Conversation.  Yet I stall some more.

Me: Where did you see that honey?  

Ben: In The Sims.

Me: The SIMS?!? 

Sims doesn’t have ANYTHING graphic, let alone sperm running around.

Ben: Yeah a doctor in my Sims game pulled out this thing from a patient’s middle and it looked like a big circle with a tail.

Thank you baby Jesus, I’m saved!  I’m SO SAVED!

Me (with perhaps a little TOO much enthusiasm): A STOMACH!!  (arms shooting up in the arm like I just signaled a touchdown)  THAT’S THE STOMACH!!  Gross huh?

And I have never been more excited to talk about intestines and poop in all my life.

Ben: What is Halloween rated?

Me: What?

Ben: What?

Me: What did you say?

Ben: Is it rated PG-13, or rated M?

Me: What do you mean?  Halloween isn’t rated anything.  It’s a DAY.

Ben: NO!  I mean the MOVIE, “Halloween“.  What is it rated?

Me: OH!  R.  And just so you know, only video games are rated “M”.

Ben: Oh.

Later that evening…

Ben calling from upstairs: Txoquaovnaraqg is on.

Me folding laundry downstairs: WHAT?

Ben: What?

Me: What?!?

Ben: WHAT?

Me: Oh! My! God!  WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Ben:  Just that the Amazing Race is on.

Me: Oh.

Dr. Phil would be so proud we are talking.

“Hey buddy, last night you were really thrashing around.  Kicking your legs and making crazy angry noises.  Did you have a bad dream?”

“Oh yeah!  I did!”

“Can you tell me what it was about?”

“Well, I had this card.  And you cut a hole right in the middle of it.   I was mad!   So mad, in fact, that I told you I was going to vote for John McCain!”

“Ooh that is mad!  I promise I’ll never cut up any card of yours.  EVER!”

*With only a couple days to go, I’m so nervous about this election I can’t think of much else.  Er, besides Halloween and my Twilight books. 

But really, other than that, nothing is as scary on this Halloween Eve as McCain and Palin running this country.  

Breathe!  BREATHE!  I know… that was mean.  But it’s true.  So after you catch your breath, VOTE!

For a little extra income, I recently took a part time job as a Mother’s Helper to a incredibly sweet woman who is pregnant with her second child and VERY sick.  She just needs help around the house a couple hours a week.  And not only is the extra cash nice, but I feel good helping her out.  I can also bring Ben with me, which having a second job, at say a bar, might be awkward having him in tow. 

Tuesday night, as I was upstairs working Ben was tagging behind.  Because he loves babies, I showed him the soon-to-be baby’s room.

Ben: So K. is pregnant?!

Me: Yep.

Ben: But her tummy isn’t very big.

Please don’t say mine is bigger…

Me: No, she’s also not due to have the baby for awhile.  It will grow.

pause

Ben: Is her baby a little rascal?

Me: laughing.  Um, what do you mean? 

Ben: You know?  Like the littlest pig in the group is a Rascal.  Like in Charlotte’s Web.

Me: after much laughter I finally get a grip.  Oh honey.  You mean a ‘RUNT!’  No, this baby isn’t the runt of the litter.  He’s just not done cooking.

Ben: Oh.  OK. 

As he walks away I can hear him muttering to himself, “Rascal?  Runt?  Rascal??”

“Mom, if you die, would I live with Grandma and Grandpa?”

“Yes honey, you would.”

“That would be both good and bad.  Good because then I’d have cable and bad because I would miss you.”

“Alrighty then.  Good to know where I stand.”

Watching The Presidential Debate with An Eight Year Old:

Ben: Mom, what is a debate?

Me: Well it’s an argument sort of.  A discussion really.

Ben: Senator Obama?  They should be calling him President Obama!

Me: Well he’s not President… yet. 

Ben: Mom!  Look at this guy! [as he shows me his dragon dude]

Me: Who is he voting for?

Ben: Dunno.   Hey, is George Bush voting for McCain?

Me: Yep.  That’s because he’s not so smart.

Ben: Why do they keep interrupting Obama?

Me: Because they are bad guys.

Ben: Well then were is Batman and Superman and Spiderman?

I laugh

Ben: If John McCain becomes President we are going to have to save like crazy huh?

Me: Yep.  [big sigh]  We are. 

Ben: Kiss my knee.

Me: What?  [Laughing and trying to kiss a bony little knee that keeps moving]

Ben: [after listening to McCain talk about our deficit] I can’t believe George Bush made us give all this money to China. 

Me: Oh my god!  If he says the word “Maverick” one more time I might just throw up. 

Ben: [after listening to McCain's health care plan] $5,000 in Health care?  Why not just make it free for everyone?

Me: WOW!  THANK YOU Ben!  You should run for President. 

Ben: You’re welcome Mama.

Me: [laughing]  Now, let’s get cookies.

Who said these debates are boring?  You just aren’t watching them with the right crowd.

“Ben, time to start your 30 minutes of reading.”

“Wait Mom… just a minute.  Can I watch just five minutes of TV?”

“No.  Read.  Now.”

“ARGH!  Fiiiiiiine.”

Ten minutes pass while the child is still in his room, supposedly trying to pick out a book but looking an awful lot like he’s playing with Star Wars dudes.

“Ben!  Seriously!  Come on buddy.  Just pick something.”

“Ok!  I got it!  Ok Mom, 30 minutes.  Here I go.  Time me.”

“Yep.  It’s 7:04 now.”

Five minutes pass. 

“How much longer?”

“25 minutes.”

A noise comes out of the boy that sounds like a cat underwater getting it’s claws ripped out.

“I need a new book.”

“Oh my god!  You can’t be serious?  What is wrong with this one?!”

“It makes no sense.  Ooh I just got Beast Quest.  I’m so going to read now.”

Seven minutes pass.

“Am I done noooow?”

“Ah, no.  You have 15 more minutes.”

“WHAT!?  No way!  Ugh!  I can’t do this…” 

“Yes you can.  Why don’t I sit with you and I’ll read too.  That will help.  Right?”

Seven more minutes pass and the child looks longingly at his mother like Puss ‘n Boots from Shrek.  “Done?  Yet?”

“Nope.  Five more minutes.”

Groan.  Moan.  Grumble.   Followed by “reading” but now there is loud mumbling and so much foot movement he’s basically running while sitting on the couch.

“OK!  You know what!?  Time’s up!  We’ll round it up tonight.”

Ah yes, can’t wait for the joy of tomorrow night. 

How many days left of this school thing?

Ben: “Mom?”

me:  “Yes honey?”

Ben:  “Is it illegal for kids to get married?”

Me: “Um, yeah…”

Ben: “So like if someone married a kid they would go to jail?”

Me: “Well… yeah. I guess they would.”

Where the hell is this conversation going?

Ben: “To kiddy jail?”

I’m now laughing.  This is clearly an innocent conversation.

Me: “Well it depends on who wanted to marry the kid.   If someone under 18 wanted to get married they would need their parents permission.”

pause

Ben: “Mom?”

Me: “Yes honey?”

Ben: “Now, I’m NOT SAYING I will want to do this but if I wanted to get married, like now, would you let me?”

Me: “Um. NO!  Why?”  I’m now smiling.  “Is there someone you want to marry Benjamin?”

Ben: “MOOOOOM!  NO!  Oh my god no!!!  I was just asking.”

Me:  “Uh huh.  Are you suuuuure?”

Ben:  “MOM!  STOP!  No!  Besides, I think the kid would have to buy the ring and those rings are expensive!”

Me: “That’s true.  They are.”

Ben: “Like $100!  Or like $300 for a diamond one.”

Me: “Yeah.  Pretty expensive.  And how much money do you have now?”

Ben: “Three dollars and fifty cents.”

Me: “Hmmm, well then waiting to get married is probably a good idea, huh?”

Ben: “Yeah.”

Me: “Besides, I’m not sick of you yet and if you got married and moved out, who would get my cell phone for me when it’s ringing and I can’t find it?”

Ben: “Mom, you are so weird.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Saturday morning Ben and I finally got to enjoy one of those delicious LAZY weekend mornings. 

Ben was watching cartoons (or so I thought) while I was upstairs on the computer, in my pj’s, drinking coffee, listening to music and doing very important work.  Either that or playing Yahoo Gin… I, ah, can’t remember which.

When I finally decided I had to get going on the sty that was my house, I came downstairs to find 95% of the recycling that used to be in the recycling bin now all over my kitchen counter.  It was accompanied by tape everywhere, scissors, tiny scraps of cut out cardboard, and a Sharpie pen with it’s cap no where to be found.  Also no where to be found was the short skinny blonde guy who made this mess.

“BENJAMIN RICHARD!!!”
“Yes Mom?”  he said as he came out of his room sheepishly.
“WHAT IS THIS HUGE MESS?!?!?”
“I was making Wall-E, Mom.”  he said in a small voice.  “I wanted my very own Wall-E…”
“Oh.”  I said feeling sort of dumb.  “Well he’s really great but can you please pick up this mess and ah, move Wall-E to somewhere safer than the kitchen where someone might mistake him for trash.  NOTTHATHEIS! He’s great but… he needs a home.”

So Ben took Wall-E to the part of his room that is now a shrine to all things trash art projects. 

Some people have to lock up their trash to keep their pets out of it.  I’m going to have to start locking mine up to keep my kid out of it!

I would like to introduce you all to Wall-E.  Everyone, this is Wall-E.  (He’s the spiting image, right?!? I think Pixar is going to be calling Ben to create Wall-E toys any day now.)

Apparently, you can take the child out of second grade but you can’t take second grade out of the child.