Holy Health Care debates batman! You all did an excellent job of not fighting on March 23rd but were the smashed windows and cut gas lines on the 24th really necessary? It’s quite clear this country needs to hug it out.  Not to mention a Coke and a smile.

Since I am one of those to blame for spouting off my opinions (shocking right?), the next time President Obama is about to pass some major legislation I’m flying myself to a far away island and getting a zip implanted in my lip.

BUT this SO is not a post about Health Care reform, therefore I bring you cute stories of my fabulous kid.

• Mornings are not a strong suit for Ben and I. We both are a fan of The Sleep and therefore getting ourselves out the door in the morn is much like herding blind belligerent cats. In an effort to help the process, my sweet boy has been making my lunch before I even get downstairs. Today I looked in my lunch box to find a real spoon in there. When I looked confused he said, “It’s more green this way, Mom. Now you can just wash your spoon in the kitchen at work instead of using plastic.” Words literally escaped me as I grabbed his little body and enveloped him in a big Mama hug. TAKE THAT AL GORE!

• Last night, as we were sitting on the couch watching TV, there was a commercial for a new automatic soap dispenser where you don’t have to use your hands to pump the top. Supposedly there are so many germs on the pump part that with the automatic one you avoid all that.  I, being of mushy brain, said “That’s so cool.” And my son, who is sharp as a tack said, “But after you touch the germy part, you WASH YOUR HANDS and then don’t touch it again, so you why would you get germs on your hands?”  I looked at my boy like he just invited Netflix and Twitter. Since he’s clearly the smart one of this pair I just muttered, “Whoa. You are so right.”

Yes ladies and gentlemen, thankfully THIS is the boy who will one day become the man to pick out my nursing home.

Now can we please get back to updating our Facebook pages with what’s for dinner and what color bra we’re wearing?

**Don’t forget to head on over to my new review blog for a chance to win a $200 Visa Gift card from OxiClean Arm&Hammer!!**

In the car on the way home:

Ben: Wow, they are right! Counting cows totally works. I was just counting cows and I got super sleepy. Even yawned.

Me: What? Counting what?

Ben: Cows.

Me: Um Ben, usually people count SHEEP. Not cows.

Ben: Yeah well, that’s stupid. Counting cows is much more relaxing.

Me: laughing. Really? How do you figure?

Ben: Think about it Mom. A sheep goes “BAAAA!” and that’s such an annoying sound. It’s like a string being plucked. “BAA!”  But “moo” makes me calm. Sounds almost like a yawn.

Me: Moooo-awn.

Ben: Exactly!  Mooooo-awn.

Me: more laughing. I like it.

Ben: You’re going to blog about this, aren’t you?

Me: Possibly.

Ben: We are the world.  We are the children.  We are the ones who bring a brighter day just you and me…

Me: Where did you learn that song?

Ben: In music.  Why? Do you know it?

Me: Yeah. Of course!  It came out and was huge when I was just a little older than you.

Ben: So you were alive during the Great Depression?

Me: [Blink. Blink blink.]

Ben: Wasn’t this song during The Great Depression?

Me: Um, some might think the 80′s were quite depressing but no, “We Are the World” was definitely a 1980′s song.  Fifty some years AFTER the Great Depression.  Where did you get that idea, Ben?

Ben: Huh.  [muttering to himself as he walks away] I could have sworn the music teacher said it was a Great Depression song.  Huh.  We are the world…. We are the children…

Ben: Mom?

Me: Yeah honey?

Ben: What is the body part that has a circle and then like a little tail coming off of it.

My heart stops and my throat starts to close.  I knew this day would come but I didn’t really expect it on a Tuesday morning as I was getting ready for work.   So I stall.

Me: Um what?   A tail you say?

Ben: Yeah, it’s like a circle and then there’s this little squiggly tail coming off of it.  What is that?

Now I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, ready and physically stable to have The Conversation.  Yet I stall some more.

Me: Where did you see that honey?  

Ben: In The Sims.

Me: The SIMS?!? 

Sims doesn’t have ANYTHING graphic, let alone sperm running around.

Ben: Yeah a doctor in my Sims game pulled out this thing from a patient’s middle and it looked like a big circle with a tail.

Thank you baby Jesus, I’m saved!  I’m SO SAVED!

Me (with perhaps a little TOO much enthusiasm): A STOMACH!!  (arms shooting up in the arm like I just signaled a touchdown)  THAT’S THE STOMACH!!  Gross huh?

And I have never been more excited to talk about intestines and poop in all my life.

Ben: What is Halloween rated?

Me: What?

Ben: What?

Me: What did you say?

Ben: Is it rated PG-13, or rated M?

Me: What do you mean?  Halloween isn’t rated anything.  It’s a DAY.

Ben: NO!  I mean the MOVIE, “Halloween“.  What is it rated?

Me: OH!  R.  And just so you know, only video games are rated “M”.

Ben: Oh.

Later that evening…

Ben calling from upstairs: Txoquaovnaraqg is on.

Me folding laundry downstairs: WHAT?

Ben: What?

Me: What?!?

Ben: WHAT?

Me: Oh! My! God!  WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Ben:  Just that the Amazing Race is on.

Me: Oh.

Dr. Phil would be so proud we are talking.

“Hey buddy, last night you were really thrashing around.  Kicking your legs and making crazy angry noises.  Did you have a bad dream?”

“Oh yeah!  I did!”

“Can you tell me what it was about?”

“Well, I had this card.  And you cut a hole right in the middle of it.   I was mad!   So mad, in fact, that I told you I was going to vote for John McCain!”

“Ooh that is mad!  I promise I’ll never cut up any card of yours.  EVER!”

*With only a couple days to go, I’m so nervous about this election I can’t think of much else.  Er, besides Halloween and my Twilight books. 

But really, other than that, nothing is as scary on this Halloween Eve as McCain and Palin running this country.  

Breathe!  BREATHE!  I know… that was mean.  But it’s true.  So after you catch your breath, VOTE!

For a little extra income, I recently took a part time job as a Mother’s Helper to a incredibly sweet woman who is pregnant with her second child and VERY sick.  She just needs help around the house a couple hours a week.  And not only is the extra cash nice, but I feel good helping her out.  I can also bring Ben with me, which having a second job, at say a bar, might be awkward having him in tow. 

Tuesday night, as I was upstairs working Ben was tagging behind.  Because he loves babies, I showed him the soon-to-be baby’s room.

Ben: So K. is pregnant?!

Me: Yep.

Ben: But her tummy isn’t very big.

Please don’t say mine is bigger…

Me: No, she’s also not due to have the baby for awhile.  It will grow.

pause

Ben: Is her baby a little rascal?

Me: laughing.  Um, what do you mean? 

Ben: You know?  Like the littlest pig in the group is a Rascal.  Like in Charlotte’s Web.

Me: after much laughter I finally get a grip.  Oh honey.  You mean a ‘RUNT!’  No, this baby isn’t the runt of the litter.  He’s just not done cooking.

Ben: Oh.  OK. 

As he walks away I can hear him muttering to himself, “Rascal?  Runt?  Rascal??”

“Mom, if you die, would I live with Grandma and Grandpa?”

“Yes honey, you would.”

“That would be both good and bad.  Good because then I’d have cable and bad because I would miss you.”

“Alrighty then.  Good to know where I stand.”

Watching The Presidential Debate with An Eight Year Old:

Ben: Mom, what is a debate?

Me: Well it’s an argument sort of.  A discussion really.

Ben: Senator Obama?  They should be calling him President Obama!

Me: Well he’s not President… yet. 

Ben: Mom!  Look at this guy! [as he shows me his dragon dude]

Me: Who is he voting for?

Ben: Dunno.   Hey, is George Bush voting for McCain?

Me: Yep.  That’s because he’s not so smart.

Ben: Why do they keep interrupting Obama?

Me: Because they are bad guys.

Ben: Well then were is Batman and Superman and Spiderman?

I laugh

Ben: If John McCain becomes President we are going to have to save like crazy huh?

Me: Yep.  [big sigh]  We are. 

Ben: Kiss my knee.

Me: What?  [Laughing and trying to kiss a bony little knee that keeps moving]

Ben: [after listening to McCain talk about our deficit] I can’t believe George Bush made us give all this money to China. 

Me: Oh my god!  If he says the word “Maverick” one more time I might just throw up. 

Ben: [after listening to McCain's health care plan] $5,000 in Health care?  Why not just make it free for everyone?

Me: WOW!  THANK YOU Ben!  You should run for President. 

Ben: You’re welcome Mama.

Me: [laughing]  Now, let’s get cookies.

Who said these debates are boring?  You just aren’t watching them with the right crowd.

“Ben, time to start your 30 minutes of reading.”

“Wait Mom… just a minute.  Can I watch just five minutes of TV?”

“No.  Read.  Now.”

“ARGH!  Fiiiiiiine.”

Ten minutes pass while the child is still in his room, supposedly trying to pick out a book but looking an awful lot like he’s playing with Star Wars dudes.

“Ben!  Seriously!  Come on buddy.  Just pick something.”

“Ok!  I got it!  Ok Mom, 30 minutes.  Here I go.  Time me.”

“Yep.  It’s 7:04 now.”

Five minutes pass. 

“How much longer?”

“25 minutes.”

A noise comes out of the boy that sounds like a cat underwater getting it’s claws ripped out.

“I need a new book.”

“Oh my god!  You can’t be serious?  What is wrong with this one?!”

“It makes no sense.  Ooh I just got Beast Quest.  I’m so going to read now.”

Seven minutes pass.

“Am I done noooow?”

“Ah, no.  You have 15 more minutes.”

“WHAT!?  No way!  Ugh!  I can’t do this…” 

“Yes you can.  Why don’t I sit with you and I’ll read too.  That will help.  Right?”

Seven more minutes pass and the child looks longingly at his mother like Puss ‘n Boots from Shrek.  “Done?  Yet?”

“Nope.  Five more minutes.”

Groan.  Moan.  Grumble.   Followed by “reading” but now there is loud mumbling and so much foot movement he’s basically running while sitting on the couch.

“OK!  You know what!?  Time’s up!  We’ll round it up tonight.”

Ah yes, can’t wait for the joy of tomorrow night. 

How many days left of this school thing?