In between being so busy watching my laundry pile grow and ignoring Wordless Wednesday, I wanted to fill you in on my progress as a Herbivore. It’s been exactly a week and so far so good.

Sure there have been some tempting moments but for the most part, I haven’t missed meat. Being a vegetarian again is like riding a bike… except I’m eating not exercising.

One of the hardest times was last Friday when Matt, Ben and I were over at a friend’s house having pizza. They had a veggie one, (not just for me) one piled with meat and one with cheese. Without thinking I almost just grabbed a piece of sausage that had fallen onto the pizza box. (Because I’m classy like that. When would you like to have me over?) But amazingly I actually THOUGHT before I grabbed the cheesy gooey piece of meat and stopped myself.

The other near miss was my now this infamous trip to Chili’s last Saturday. Who knew there were so many defenders of those crazy peppers? I guess being vegetarian means I also have to be psychic and therefore know that Chili’s has a secret and invisible meat free menu.

Since my psychic powers weren’t working that day, I came close to saying, “Oh screw it!” and ordering the “Seasoned Ground Beef” tacos since everything else had chicken or beef as the main ingredient.  But once again, I showed restraint and thought for more than a nanosecond. I realized this gig is only for 30 days and for the love of a tomato, I can have SOME self control for 30 days.

Because honestly, that’s what this is really all about. Yes I want to see how I feel after 30 days of no meat but I also want to see if my will power can be stronger than that of a flea! I’m the girl who wakes up in the morning saying “No sugar today! No sir!” and then grab a doughnut on my way into work while saying “Eh, I’ll try again tomorrow.” So it feels good to have something I can actually stick to.

As far as how I feel after a week with nary a piece of animal flesh passing by my lips? I don’t think I’ve lost any weight since unfortunately Twix bars and Sour Cream & Onion potato chips are meat free, but I definitely feel less bloated and gassy. (It’s truly a wonder I was single for so long. Matt is a lucky lucky man)

For the past month or two I experienced a stomach ache in the morning. That is now gone. My nails seem to be stronger too but that could be my religious application of my “Green Tea nail strengthener” more than skipping the steak in my Chipotle taco.

I haven’t noticed a real difference in my skin. Unless you call the zit on the very tip of my nose an improvement. This sucker gives Rudolph a run for his money.

In addition, since I went to this meat-free lifestyle the “check engine” light came on in my car and I have a toothache. So really, who knows.

Regardless I’m charging ahead and celebrating the beginning of week two by chugging a big glass of V8 and swallowing my B-12 vitamin that’s so large it would make a Clydesdale gag. Bottoms up!

Dear Veins,

I have a huge blood clot to pick with you.   Not all of you.  Just the ones in my arms.  Femoral, you are off the hook – this time.

Remember earlier this week when we were going to donate blood to the Red Cross and do some good in this world? And remember how we LOVE to give blood because a lot of the people we know can’t give, but we can. We are lousy with the stuff and NORMALLY it’s very easy for us.  And then remember how this time you decided it would be so fun to play hide and seek with the nice Red Cross lady?

Seriously Veins, SO. LAME. 1) You guys are 37 ALMOST 38. That’s too old for such childish games. 2) She didn’t know you were playing so she was all “YAY! I found a vein!” and then STUCK me so hard that I may have cried a little and you were gone.

The Phlebologist said you guys are deep veins. Don’t get a big head, it doesn’t mean you are Bob Dylan deep, it just means you are annoying and hard to find. She also said maybe I was dehydrated but you and I both know that is complete bunk. No one drinks as much water as me.

I know the real problem… you guys have gone soft. Sissies! You’re all “Ooh we don’t want to get stuck with that pointy silver thing again. It hurts. Waaa.  I know, let’s be total stupid scaredy cats and hide.”

Well you know what you stupid tubes?  You guys have it so good in there.  Did you know there are people who shoot DRUGS right into veins like you?  Yep, it’s true. But me? I rock. I rarely poke you, your best friend O Positive is full of iron and don’t even get me started on the plentiful amount of oxygen flowing through you like a river.

Do not even think for a minute that I’m going to give up “Our Thing.” Oh hell no! Guess who’s going to make an appointment with the Red Cross as soon as these bruises on BOTH arms heal?  So stop being such complete ninnies and give it up! There are people in Haiti who need us.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to write a letter to Jackie at the Red Cross apologizing for the grown woman who cried like a three year old on her watch.  It was quite awkward and I need to make sure Jackie doesn’t give up on the good work she does just because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time with a woman who clearly needed a good cry.  On a Red Cross trailer.  Shudder.

Love (sort of, because I’m still mad)

Me

The holidays are upon us. In fact they are so close if you look out your front window you’ll see them getting out of the cab, paying the cabbie about to walk through your front door.

Before they ascend and bring all the craziness that IS them, let me give you some quick survival techniques that have worked for me in the past and hopefully will make the next month and a half not only bearable but maybe even fun.

1. Breathing is important. So do it! Often! Breathe in, breathe out. Slow deep breaths. Hyperventilating and having panic attacks are so Christmas 2008.

2. When you hear the radio ads and see the TV commercials with all the happy people that are so happy that happy holidays are here, remember, they are actors. Who most likely hate the holidays as much as you, and after taping this commercial went home to their drunk fat husband who smells like summer sausage.

3. If you can’t afford it, don’t get it.  Trust me your kid will appreciate dinner 365 days a year more than a Wii.  Same goes with friends and family.  I actually like this time of year but only because I have finally said to friends and family, “I love you, but let’s skip the gifts. Let’s do dinner or just come over for wine.”  I have never known anyone to reply, “Oh can’t we PLEASE spend unnecessary money on each other?? Please?!?!”  Ben especially loves this. Nothing says MERRY CHRISTMAS KIDDO! like a tree with no presents beneath. OK fine. So #3 applies only to friends and GROWN relatives, not the kid.

4. Along those same lines, if this year’s Christmas card is stressing you out, don’t send one. In the past I have turned myself into a pretzel trying to create the perfect card to send out. This year, eh. So not worth it. If I get a cute shot of Ben I’ll send one. If I don’t, between this blog, Facebook and Twitter I’m already so in everyone’s face they’ll probably appreciate the break at the mailbox.

5. Don’t try to be Martha Stewart. There is only one Martha and trust me, she has her own issues. Just do the best you can and make sure your bathrooms are clean. The people coming over are going to be so relieved they don’t have to host in their home, anything will make them happy.

6. When possible, try not to fight the shopping mobs and for the love of everything that is good and holy in this world, AVOID THE MALLS ON THE WEEKENDS!  Do quick errands over lunch or after work. Between now and 12/23 the stores are ugly. Knowing is half the battle.

7. Make a list and check it twice. Know exactly what you are getting (or at least have a couple ideas) before you get out into Retail Hell. Do your research online and then call the store to make sure they have it in stock. This will save your sanity.

8. Don’t forget to have time for yourself. While wrapping presents, open up that bottle of wine, put on your favorite holiday CD, light some candles and just chill. This time of year is for you too damnit!

9. Finally remember the holidays aren’t about perfection. Getting the perfect present, finding the perfect tree, making the perfect meal.  BLAH!  It’s about being with friends and family. It’s about remembering the past year and getting geared up for the next. Let’s put the “Happy” back in “Happy Holidays!”

10. and if none of this works, just throw up your hands, yell “F@CK IT!” as loud as you can, climb back into bed with the covers pulled up tight and know that as each day passes January 2nd gets closer and closer.

Before Matt came along our small but cute kitchen was mostly used for storage of my purse, wine and the coffee maker.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy cooking, I do!  But it’s not very fun to cook for a kid who’s main diet consists of peanut butter on a bagel, yogurt, hot dogs and if we were getting really “Top Chef ” chicken nuggets with frozen corn. 

So when Matt graciously entered my life, the June Cleaver gene kicked in hardcore.  Now I’m that woman who has her little list at the grocery store, getting all the ingredients for the week’s family meals (please read that sentence in Sarah Palin’s voice).  I do love it.  Until I actually have to cook the meal… in my kitchen.

As you can see, I don’t have the biggest kitchen (and it’s not normally this messy.  This was after a dinner party with lots of wine wherein I thought, “Dude! Check out this mess.  Totally taking a picture!”)  What’s worse is that this kitchen is in the middle of the apartment.  Not even close to a window or any other major ventilation.  Sure there is a fan over the stove but it’s more like a hint of a fan with the air pressure of a heavy breather.  

The other thing in my small enclosed kitchen?  The downstairs smoke alarm.  Because that’s a great spot for it. 

Again, before Matt, I never noticed it because as luck should have it, not much smoke is created while making Frosted Flakes.  But cooking that man of mine up some sausage in the morning?  Woo boy! 

“BLLLLLEEEEEEPPPPP!”

This piece of fire prevention is not subtle.  It’s fog horn loud.  It’s F-16 jet loud.  It’s Fran Drescher loud.  Not only that but it’s as sensitive as a 14 year old girl with PMS having a bad hair day.  You just think a hot thought and it goes off.  This smoke alarm is VERY dedicated to it’s work. No fires are going on under it’s watch!

Which is endearing but really?  Taking something out of the oven?  “BLLLLEEEEPPPPP!”  Making rice on the stove?  “BLLLLEEEEGGGGHHH!”  God forbid you flip those pancakes! “BLLLLLAAAAAOOOOOWWWW!” 

Sunday morning I was making TOAST.  Not over an open flame.  IN THE TOASTER!   Matt walked in the kitchen and “BLLLEEEEEEEPPPPP!”  Since I hadn’t yet had enough coffee and apparently I’m still in denial about the power of The Alarm, I yelled “Why did you set that off?”  Poor Matt looked at me like I just grew another nose.  “I didn’t.  I walked in and it went off.”

So now, Mr Alarm thinks body heat plus one small appliance equals grave danger.

Enough is enough.  My ears hurt and my heart can’t take much more.  I really need to have a sit down with my Protector On The Wall and let him know the difference between smoke and steam. 

Because as long as Matt is around, and thankfully he’s not going anywhere for a long long time, I’ll be in my little nook cookin’ away.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Click.

In here it’s warm.
Out there it’s cold.

In here the pillow and blankets have all formed around my body like a symphony of comfort.
Out there I have yet to turn the heat on.

In here I have no responsibility but to burrow further into the covers and ignore the alarm.
Out there I have a child to get off to school, a job to go to and humans I have to converse with.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Hit.

In here my hair is just as it should be after eight hours of molding itself to the pillow.
Out there I have to deal with a very weird haircut that is now overgrown thus making it even weirder.

In here I can force myself to go back to the dream where I’m flying over some mountains with my new pretty pink wings.
Out there I have to get into my old car and with it’s old battery and pray it turns over.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
THWACK!

In here I have to pee. Badly.
Out there is a toilet.

In here I am thirsty.
Out there is coffee.

In here I’m getting sort of lonely.
Out there is Matt.

Out there wins.