Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Last Thursday night found my mother and I at the Olive Garden getting a carbo load for our last minute Christmas shopping. I’m so not one of those people who in July finds just the right gift for Uncle Pete and Aunt Sue. Nah, I’m an old fashioned “FORTHELOVEOFGODIHAVELESSTHANAWEEKLEFTWHATAMIGOINGTOGET!?!?” kind of girl. Because if it’s not stressful it’s not the holidays.

We entered the mall with our bellies full and lists in hand.  We had gusto!  We had spirit!  Ambition!  Merry Christmas to all and to all a good shop!

The first store we rocked. They were having such amazing deals that if it wasn’t at least 55% off it wasn’t worth buying.   $2.97 for an ornament?  Sort of steep but OK.

However we soon found that it ruined us for the rest of the mall. $30 for a candle at Pottery Barn! My god! Could Donald Trump even afford things here? $40 for a bottle of shampoo at Aveda? Is your hair made of gold?  And don’t even get me started on the Apple store. Genius Bar or not, this girl is not spending $50 on a case for my iPod Touch.

By the time we got to JCPenney’s we still had many a gift to buy but our stamina was quickly waning. It didn’t help that Christmas time equals winter in Wisconsin which also equals lugging your coat, gloves, hat and scarf in addition to your purse and packages. It’s hard.  And hot.  Even the shifting of arm to arm wasn’t helping after awhile. We longed for a stroller, a wagon or a Sherpa. Or a locker. Remember when malls had lockers? Do they still?  I would have given my left hand for a locker to store all my crap. But sadly there was no locker, mule or stroller to be found, so we trudged our way along wondering, “Since when did this mall get hills? That only go uphill?”

When we finally ended up back at the original store, we were so exhausted and even more weighed down by our crap. When lo and behold! A Christmas miracle! Could it be true? Was it a mirage?! A cart! A beautiful glorious EMPTY cart sitting right by the escalator. With a gasp, I grabbed that sucker so fast I took out a small child in the act.

I loaded up my coat, packages, purse and proceeded to head to the “Up” escalator. My mother, already on the escalator said, “You can’t bring that up on this!” With a sly little smile I said, “WATCH ME!” Nothing was separating me from my new beloved.  So up and up my cart and I rose. Once on top I grabbed all of my mother’s belongings and plopped them too into the cart.

We were free! Oh the feeling was sheer bliss. With renewed hope we shopped some more. Desperate people everywhere stopped and asked, “Where did you get that cart?” “Amazing isn’t it!” I would reply while placing myself between them and The Cart.

Sadly there is only so much to look at in housewares and kids clothes, but damn if we didn’t check it all out.

At one point I looked at my again sagging mother and said, “How are we doing?”  She replied, “This cart is the only thing keeping us going.”

So with that, we took our cart back downstairs (this time in the elevator – who knew there was one of those) gathered our goods and thanked our trusty steed for all it’s help. Without it, Christmas might not have happened this year.

*I hope you and yours have a very Merry Holiday. Enjoy the food, the friends, the family and the time off of work. I’ll be back next week.

On the 8th day of Hanukkah my true love gave to me:

Eight candles shining

Seven killer presents

Six dreidels spinning

Five GOLDEN COINS!

Four crisp latkes

Three warm challahs

Two great big hugs

and a kiss on the cheek from Mom-mee! *kiss kiss*

(made up by Ben and Becky on a very slow second day of Hanukkah…)

*No homes were burned down as a result of this very precarious Menorah.

Before I begin this post, I have to correct a very big wrong. You know how Oscar winners sometimes forget to give a shout out to their spouses, kids or family during their acceptance speeches? And then you know how they feel so bad about that afterward? Um, well, just like Sean Penn forgetting to thank Robin after his 2009 win for “Milk”, it seems I somehow left out my dear parents from my “2009 thankful” list. My big bad. And for the record, I really am more thankful for them than I am that the Octomom isn’t my mother or even Old Navy coupons. Love you Mom and Dad! (Any chance I can I still come to Christmas dinner?)

OK, moving on…

I know everyone is so over Thanksgiving and charging ahead to the next holiday. BUT before you buy the schmaltz for the latkes and test out the spin on those dreidels, I have to tell you about our Thanksgiving. If only because I took pictures and uploaded them on my very old very slow computer, therefore SOMEONE needs to see them.

We did have a lovely holiday with lots of family and enough food to feed a small nation.

First we went to my parents house for quite a feast.

This is Jeff. He’s new to our family this year.

Hi Jeff!

This is was his brother Tom.

Oh dear.

Don’t look Jeff!!

(My mad Microsoft Paint skills are ones to covet)

After eating, watching the Packers win and assuring Jeff that Tom was as delicious as he was brotherly, we headed an hour south to Matt’s family.

We left my parents quiet small Thanksgiving with just the five of us to go to his sister’s house where we were greeted by TWENTY-ONE of Matt’s family. That is a 2 and a 1, just in case you are number illiterate.  Oh and guess what?  That’s just HALF OF THEM!  Matt is one of nine (his mother is a saint!) and on Thanksgiving there were just four of the kids (including Matt) at this gathering.  If and when we ever get married, we are going to have to borrow the Ringling Bro’s big top.

There were no pictures taken at this event because in one hand I was clutching Matt and in the other I was white-knuckling my wine glass.  Therefore, no room for a camera.

Not to mention I was working very hard trying to remember who was Joe and who was John, what kid belonged to whom, not to talk with my mouth full, not to swear, to keep smiling and try to keep the burping to a minimum. Taking pictures was absolutely out of the question.  Therefore just imagine a table as long as a football field with everyone gathered around, happy chatter, lots of eating and passing food up and down the field.  Er, I mean table.

We left Matt’s sister’s lovely home giving each other high five’s as we complementing ourselves on celebrating the hell out of Thanksgiving.

And as we drove home in a serious tryptophan fog, I realized how lucky I am. Not only did I find Matt after all these years, but he comes with a free bonus pack of a big wonderful joyous family.

Who I also promise not to exclude on my Thanksgiving list next year.

Wordless Wednesday

Thanksgiving is one of my top 3 favorite holidays. It’s in the fall – love fall. It’s centered all around eating – I’m a big fan of The Food. And it’s a day that is about hanging out with friends and family watching football. No gifts allowed.

Therefore, as I did last year, I feel it only right to mention a few of the things I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving 2009.

• I’m thankful for that 2009 really was my year!
• I’m thankful for my boy who brings me continual joy and still puts up with his embarrassing mother.
• I’m thankful to PlentyofFish.com for introducing me to the love of my life. (Yes. He really is)
• I’m thankful for finally getting on Twitter as my love for the Tweets is so strong I can’t go an hour 5 minutes without checking to see what’s up.
• I’m thankful that today I’m having a good hair day since I’m meeting much of Matt’s family for the first time.
• I’m thankful the Octomom isn’t my mother.
• I’m thankful for all my friends.  Old and new.  Real and virtual.
• I’m thankful for the cutie kids I baby-sit that after I tuck them into bed at night I know I won’t see them across the breakfast table in the morning.  Go Team IUD!
• I’m thankful my son has no interest in High School Musical or Miley Cyrus.  By the grace of a higher power he actually has great taste in music (Coldplay, The Killers and Owl City to name a few.)
• I’m thankful for the cranky-old-man-who-is-actually-younger-than-me-coworker who makes me laugh every day and actually makes work fun.
• I’m thankful in this economy I even have a job.  That I love.
• I’m so thankful I have this blog as an outlet for all my crazy thoughts. Otherwise, my head would explode and crazy would be everywhere for someone poor sap to clean up.
• I’m thankful for Old Navy coupons.
• I’m thankful for that glass of cold white wine that greets me so nicely at the end of a long day.
• I’m thankful that after a year of taking off my artificial nails, I finally have strong normal nails rather than rice paper on the ends of my fingers.
• I’m thankful for my cousin/sister/friend.
• and I’m most thankful for all my readers who make me laugh, make me think and show me that you’re still out there…reading. Thank you!

Your turn!

The holidays are upon us. In fact they are so close if you look out your front window you’ll see them getting out of the cab, paying the cabbie about to walk through your front door.

Before they ascend and bring all the craziness that IS them, let me give you some quick survival techniques that have worked for me in the past and hopefully will make the next month and a half not only bearable but maybe even fun.

1. Breathing is important. So do it! Often! Breathe in, breathe out. Slow deep breaths. Hyperventilating and having panic attacks are so Christmas 2008.

2. When you hear the radio ads and see the TV commercials with all the happy people that are so happy that happy holidays are here, remember, they are actors. Who most likely hate the holidays as much as you, and after taping this commercial went home to their drunk fat husband who smells like summer sausage.

3. If you can’t afford it, don’t get it.  Trust me your kid will appreciate dinner 365 days a year more than a Wii.  Same goes with friends and family.  I actually like this time of year but only because I have finally said to friends and family, “I love you, but let’s skip the gifts. Let’s do dinner or just come over for wine.”  I have never known anyone to reply, “Oh can’t we PLEASE spend unnecessary money on each other?? Please?!?!”  Ben especially loves this. Nothing says MERRY CHRISTMAS KIDDO! like a tree with no presents beneath. OK fine. So #3 applies only to friends and GROWN relatives, not the kid.

4. Along those same lines, if this year’s Christmas card is stressing you out, don’t send one. In the past I have turned myself into a pretzel trying to create the perfect card to send out. This year, eh. So not worth it. If I get a cute shot of Ben I’ll send one. If I don’t, between this blog, Facebook and Twitter I’m already so in everyone’s face they’ll probably appreciate the break at the mailbox.

5. Don’t try to be Martha Stewart. There is only one Martha and trust me, she has her own issues. Just do the best you can and make sure your bathrooms are clean. The people coming over are going to be so relieved they don’t have to host in their home, anything will make them happy.

6. When possible, try not to fight the shopping mobs and for the love of everything that is good and holy in this world, AVOID THE MALLS ON THE WEEKENDS!  Do quick errands over lunch or after work. Between now and 12/23 the stores are ugly. Knowing is half the battle.

7. Make a list and check it twice. Know exactly what you are getting (or at least have a couple ideas) before you get out into Retail Hell. Do your research online and then call the store to make sure they have it in stock. This will save your sanity.

8. Don’t forget to have time for yourself. While wrapping presents, open up that bottle of wine, put on your favorite holiday CD, light some candles and just chill. This time of year is for you too damnit!

9. Finally remember the holidays aren’t about perfection. Getting the perfect present, finding the perfect tree, making the perfect meal.  BLAH!  It’s about being with friends and family. It’s about remembering the past year and getting geared up for the next. Let’s put the “Happy” back in “Happy Holidays!”

10. and if none of this works, just throw up your hands, yell “F@CK IT!” as loud as you can, climb back into bed with the covers pulled up tight and know that as each day passes January 2nd gets closer and closer.

I am a terrible person. I have so much to do including uploading pictures from “BlogHer Madison Style” and posting about it. And of course there is the ever growing pile of laundry and that pesky child of mine that needs to be fed. But I can’t help myself. I’m obsessed. Over a woman no less. She’s just so cute and feisty I can’t help myself.

I love me some Sally.

Have you met her before?

She has this Spa and you have to make sure to make all the customers happy. If you do that you make more money and with more money you can buy new things and with new things you can make customers happy who will then tip you more and… WHOA. Breathing is important.

Because in all true addictions you have to blame someone (right?) I blame this solely on Cousin Sister Amy. When she was here for Camp, she showed me this cute little app on her iPhone and said “Oh have you ever played ‘Sally Spa‘? You have to! It’s so much fun.”

Well then my mother just had to run out and get an iTouch. Because really the poor woman only has one desktop, two laptops, a Wii, and a palm so duh, of course she NEEDED an iTouch. And then once again that Amy girl had to open her big mouth and say, “Aunt Natalie, you have to add Sally Spa!”

My mother did, I played it once and that ladies and gentlemen was all she wrote. The fat lady sang loud and clear. I was hooked.

I found myself asking to go over to my parents house just so I could get my hands on “Mr. Touch.” I fought with my kid on who’s turn it was. Mature Parent of One? Your table is now available.

Because my poor poor mother had no time on her OWN new toy she suggested we buy and download the game on our PC’s. Which was pretty much like taking an alcoholic into an open bar with free booze that never closes.

And that is how, my dear friends, last night, after playing for, oh, I don’t know, one million hours I finally went to bed at one million o’clock with both hands and forearms in massive Carpal Tunnel pain. That’s the downside of being ambidextrous… I was switching between hands, depending on which one hurt less. Therefore this post has taken me 3.5 hours to write because I’m pecking it out with my chin. I have never been more envious of Jay Leno.

Like all obsessions I promise I’ll get a grip. But if I don’t answer your emails, don’t play my turn on Lexulous or don’t come to the door when you knock, it’s because I have 5 customers who are waiting to get into the sauna and don’t even get me started on how many are waiting to check out!!!

Wordless Wednesday