Tomorrow night Shelly and I are headed out to see a very low budget, not very popular movie you most likely haven’t heard a thing about. It’s a little show called New Moon.  I know, who has ever heard of the Twilight Saga, right?  Like the theory of Vampires would ever catch on.  You know, they should really learn how to promote this movie. Might get some more tickets sold.

Huh, I just did a Google search on this flick and I guess a few people do know about it. It appears that EVERY SINGLE TALK SHOW, whether it’s daytime or late night, has had a New Moon cast member on. And Twitter has blown up with talk of this movie.

Fine! So every Tweener and their Tweener little brother has been waiting in line and going ape over this movie.  BUT SHELLY AND I WERE THERE FIRST!!!  We read all the novels BEFORE YOU!  And!  We put it on our calendars before some of these kids, who will be sharing the theater with us, were even born!  So there!  (I am very mature.)

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to iron my Team Edward t-shirt

and affix my “Bite Me Edward” tattoo. Yes, my name is Becky and I’m an almost 40 Twilight Mom. Suck it.

I can’t wait to have my popcorn either!

Life got a workout this weekend.  And I don’t mean the normal insane-paced life of soccer, baseball, friends, etc.  that Ben and I lead.   I mean that between Friday and Sunday my dear friend Kim hit a milestone birthday which she tried to ignore but gladly in the end succumbed to her bossy friends, my dad had very successful minor surgery and My Person got engaged.  (I mean it Shelly, if you put me in some lime green frock with a bow on the butt, just wait to see what happens if I ever get married.)

While all these things were great, I found myself stopping dead in my tracks Sunday night and pulling a Spicoli while muttering to myself, ”Whoa.  Dude.  Life.”

This thing called “life” is never even.  It seems that weeks can go by with nothing to write home about.  And then all of the sudden, you have a novel on your hands.

In fact a month ago, (in a two day span I might add) I found out that not only had an ex of mine just had a baby with his new wife, but another huge decade long crush just got engaged.  At first this rocked my world (and not in the good way) where I proceeded to have myself quite the pity party.  I felt like everyone was moving on with their lives while I was still sitting on the loading dock missing the boat all together.   Gladly, my party for one didn’t last long as some very good friends reminded me that I didn’t miss the boat, it’s just my boat is sailing in another direction.  That we all don’t have the same destination.   And no, I promise this isn’t some code that I’m dying of the AvianSwineMadCow flu.  This is just a really bad analogy but one that comes after a weekend like I had while sitting at my computer watching an amazing sunset and having my son ask to read longer than his required 30 minutes.

So Life, bring it on!  Give me your best shot.  I ain’t scared. 

Oh and while you’re at it, I wouldn’t say no to a cute single Democrat who likes baseball and kids.

My computer recently decided that I have loaded too many pictures and therefore I am no longer worthy of uploading nary a photo.  Just like a good Jewish grandmother it seemed to say to me, “Beckala!  Enough with the pit-chas already!  Just write to the nice people!  OY!” 

Since posting pictures of the family birthday soiree was out of the picture, I quickly developed a severe case of writers block.

Until I came home this afternoon to find the Holy Grail of Blogging material in my mailbox.  Yes readers, today the Writing Gods shined down upon me.   I received the elusive, the heard of on “20/20″ but rarely seen, Prison Love Letter.

At first I was freaked out and beyond puzzled when I saw the envelope with my name, my new address and in the corner, His name and the address of the Columbia County Jail.

My poor little brain worked overtime.  Who do I know in the clink?  Did I meet someone this weekend that had a brother in jail?  Did Ben’s Sperm Donor move to Wisconsin and change his name to Anthony?  Before I could even get my coat off, I tore open the envelope to find not only a page and a half hand-written letter but also a picture of my new love.

I can laugh now and write about this with ease but at the time I was FREAKED OUT!   Therefore I called My Person as fast as my fingers could find her on my speed-dial.  In our bi-laws it clearly states that letters from prison are worthy of the immediate and frantic phone call.  Since she didn’t pick up right away I had to call my parents, my friend Janine and half the state of Wisconsin.  My parents were concerned but Janine, who used to be a parole officer laughed and said “File this under ‘Great Stories To Tell’ and don’t worry..”  So I knew this couldn’t be that big of a deal.

While I waited for Shelly to call me back, I decided to carefully read the prose of my new love.   It seems he “received [my] name and information from a close friend” of his.   He continued to say, “Please don’t be alarmed because no harm is intended.”  Well, whew!  In that case, sign me up, Hot Stuff! 

My new friend of course didn’t commit any violent act to land him in a state penitentiary.  No, he “decided to try and get rich the fast way!  As you see, it was a foolish and poor decision!  A lesson learned.”  He also would be much obliged if I not only wrote him back but sent a picture. 

Finally Shelly called me back and informed me this stuff has happened to her many times in the past and not to worry.  She even had phone calls from prisoners.  Lucky girl.  She also informed me that I shouldn’t write him back.  Well phooey!  Since Yahoo clearly isn’t working out I thought perhaps this was my answer.

But sadly #264004 I’m not the girl for you.  So good luck to you on your speedy release from the Slammer.

Shelly:  I loved the interview with Ben by the way. Stay at home? What? That little bundle of energy? 

Becky:  And speaking of energy… all the way to school this morning I told him, “be careful on the sidewalk, it’s really slippery.”  So I drop him off and what does he do? RUNS! Down the hill to school! I watched that he got there ok but good lord kid.

Shelly: That’s OK. They still bounce at that age, right?

Becky: Running with his arms FLAILING around. Like helicopter blades.

Shelly: Smart boy – the arms were for balance. That’s why he didn’t fall.

Becky: Of course YOU understand him. His own mother doesn’t.

Shelly: How do you think I came into work today? Just like that.

In an effort to have a Valentine’s Day that doesn’t include a single 36 year old woman spending the night with her parents and her kid, eating obscene amounts of Peeps, I once again have thrown myself into the Online Dating fire and joined Yahoo Personals.  Queue the angels singing.

And let me tell you Internet.  It has already proved to be, in one word, AWESOME! 

Allow me to introduce to you the three fine bachelors who have been courting me as of late.

Bachelor #1 is a 40 something from North Carolina.  When he IM’ed me and I noticed his user id was “FaithSeeker241″ I was hoping that meant he was looking for his long lost dog named “Faith”.   I soon learned that wasn’t the case after he introduced himself, told me I was beautiful and then asked if I had found God. To which I replied, “You know, He’s just not that into me.  Please, take care.”

Bachelor #2 is a 45 year old man who’s only source of income is playing poker.  This fella, according to his Facebook page (which he invited ME to… NOT the other way around) goes out more than I did my junior year of college.  Which let me tell you, was a lot. 
His status updates have been known to be things like “_____ is just waking up” which was posted at 3:31 pm on a Wednesday afternoon.  Or “____ is drunk already.”  This was posted at 11:50 AM on a Tuesday morning.   Isn’t he dreamy?

In addition to his Animal House behavior, his fine fella has been known to wear t-shirts in his profile pictures that say such refined statements as, “Boobies Make Me Smile.”  and “Drunk Chicks Dig Me.”  I’m sure they do #2.  I’m sure they do.

And finally, I save the best for last. 
Bachelor #3 is a 46 lovely from Beloit WI.   His one and only heartfelt, romantic, educated message to me was “i was thinking you were really cute, until i seen u date blacks”

To which I replied, “And I was thinking you were a real loser especially when I saw that you’re a racist.”

So there you have it Internet.  Who do I give the rose to?  How can I possible pick between all these great choices?

Perhaps I’ll find another honey when I’m out tonight with My Person.  We are going to dinner at my favorite restaurant, which I had to strong arm her into.  One of the many reasons she is My Person.   But I’m also sporting my new fabulous hairdo that would make Katie Holmes shake in her Scientology Boots with sheer jealously.  

So… fingers crossed.   Here’s hoping I meet a 41 year old ex-convict, who still lives with his mother and has a foot fetish.

I was so psyched for the Superbowl this year!  You betcha!  I’m just a huge football fan.  Oh yeah, I was watching all the playoffs weeks beforehand and rooting for those teams that made it to the big game.

You know… those teams.  Um, yeah I didn’t either.   Good thing I have Ben. 

“Hey Ben, we are going to Shelly’s Superbowl party on Sunday.”
“Cool.”
“But um, who’s in the Superbowl?”
“Pittsburgh Steelers and the Arizona Cardinals, Mom.”
“Oh.  Ok.  Great.  Now who are we rooting for?”
“The Cardinals.”
“Gotcha!  Right on!  Go birds!”

Darn if that kid isn’t good for something.

Before we headed over to Shelly’s, we made a stop at my folk’s house so Ben could watch Puppy Bowl V and I could do my laundry.  Nothing says I have reverted back to college days like lugging your 4 loads of dirty clothes through the threshold of your parent’s house and announcing, “I’m HOME!” 

If you have never seen the Puppy Bowl, well… ok so you aren’t missing much.  But Ben had a blast.  Unfortunately you’ll just have to believe me since the only pictures I got of him that day were these happy shots:

Apparently with the sports knowledge and the ability to lug a huge basket filled with dirty laundry comes the ”Too Cool To Smile In Pictures” guy.  And I just couldn’t spend any more time trying to jolly the kid.  I had laundry to do and Kelly’s Geo Challenge score to beat.  

After the Puppy Bowl and the Kitty Half Time Show, that bored us to tears, we headed to Shelly and David’s Superbowl bash.

Since David (Shelly’s main man) is an aspiring caterer, this wasn’t your normal cocktail wienies and Doritos fare. 

This spread included Ahi Tuna with a White Wine Caper Sauce, Beef Tenderloin with Bleu Cheese, Stuffed mushrooms, Chicken in an apple cider and honey reduction sauce topped with bacon and homemade truffles (made by Shelly) just to name a few.

Despite me being so into this great game between that Metal team and the Red Birds, I did happen to indulge in a little food.  And by “little” I mean I ate and ate and ate.  Hell I’m hungry again just looking at these pictures. Poor Ben had to roll me out of there when we finally left.  He was going to drive his Food Induced Coma mother home but we didn’t have his elevator shoes with us.

What a great game it was!  Did you see how cute Bruce looked?  At 59 he still has It.  And wasn’t that Career Builder commercial hysterical?

Finally, I’d like to say congratulations to the New Mexico Cardinals.  Well done on your win!

*If anyone wants David’s information for catering, let me know.  I’ll hook ya up!

Saturday night I met Shelly downtown for a mutal friend’s birthday party.

There was a girl in the group who looked so familiar but I couldn’t place her.  It was driving me crazy!

Me: I know that girl from somewhere.

Shelly: Well she has hung out with us at Badger games.

Me: No… I don’t think that’s it.  Is she from Madison?

Shelly: Yeah, but she’s super young.  Like 24.

Me: Huh.  Maybe I used to babysit her. 

This revalation made Shelly almost spit her beer across the bar.

Me: No really.  It’s like I remember her being young.  I think maybe I really did sit for her.  You know… I should go up to her and say “Would you do me a favor and say, ‘What time are my parents coming home?’ or ‘I want another cookie?!’  I think I know you from somewhere and just want to be sure.”

Because I like being out in public with my friends, I did not go up to this girl and request her to speak.  But I so wanted to.  

And I think I’m on to something here.  I should write a book about this!  Be on Oprah!  Make millions!

The next time you see someone who looks familiar but you just can’t place them, go up and ask them to do something that will jog your memory. 

Perhaps they need to yell something at you. 

Maybe a make-out session is in order. 

Or in my case I might ask a guy who looks familiar, “Hi, will you do me a favor?  Yeah, I think we know each other but I’m not sure where I know you from.  So could you please say to me in your most sincere voice, ‘I’m sorry.  It’s not you.  It’s me.  This is just a bad time for me right now.  Please don’t call me again.’”

A Friday afternoon email exchange:

Becky: Ugh, I’m so done with this week.

Shelly: Me too.  I just want to crawl into a little hole and not come out for a few days.

Becky: No kidding!  Going to bed at 9 tonight sounds really great right now.

Shelly: With hot apple cider.

Becky: or red wine and beef stew.

Shelly: No red wine!  You’d be up at 2.

Becky: Oh yeah!  God.  STUPID!  Remind me what would I do without you?

**If you don’t have one of these people in your life, get one.  NOW!  Otherwise life can be very scary and potentially disastrous. 

Mine is on vacation this week so there is really no telling what sort of trouble I’m likely to get into.  Luckily she is just a text away.

Another Halloween has come and gone. 

Because I’m mildly insane about holidays and celebrating them to the fullest extent the day will allow, I feel complete in my soul when said holiday goes well.

In this case Halloween was a great success!  Especially with it’s rocky, ambivalent start.

Did The Punk have fun?  Check!

Did he get enough candy to last him until at least Valentine’s Day?  Check!

Were our Pumpkins amazing and did a ton of people comment on how cool they were?  CHECK!

Especially my mother’s art… er I mean her Jack O’ Lantern?  Check!

Did I have any fun?  Check!  Check!  and CHECK!

Shelly and I went out to our favorite holiday hang out (OK not really but we were there for New Year’s too, ergo, now our favorite holiday hangout.  Sorry Shelly… it’s true) for some great music and even better costume watching.

This couple was interesting.  When I asked “Hell Boy” if his dead Indian friend was in his movie (sadly Hellboy has never made it into my Netflix queue) he said, “No, she just likes to dress up as dead things.  Last night she was a dead Chef.”  Alrighty, then.  Good to know.

This guy made me pee my pants with fright. 

Since my therapist says you should always confront your fears, I asked in my biggest brave girl voice, “Um, will you take a picture with me Mr. Fucking Scary Clown Insane Guy?”  His grunt meant yes.  And then I fell in love and asked him to be my boyfriend for ever and ever.  But Mom, I LOVE him!

Of course there was another angel there.

But my costume won because not only was I twice her age and wearing more clothes, I had a super special hidden feature to my costume!

I was keeping all the evil Republicans at bay with my wand and blessing the good that is Obama.

Speaking of which… ONLY ONE DAY left of this never ending campaign!   ONE DAY!!  I’m sick.  I’m nauseous and dizzy. (and no, it’s not the extended hangover..)  I’m also excited and hopeful.

But mostly sick.

I hope everyone else had a great Halloween and in between sneaking your kid’s candy, if you haven’t already, make sure you take time to cast your vote on Tuesday.

It started out innocently enough.  A couple here and there.  Nothing serious, just a taste for the stuff.   It was just two friends experimenting and sometimes trying what the other one had.  No one was getting hurt.  We were both still going to work and being productive there.  Housework and laundry were getting done on a regular basis.  Friends and family were getting the attention they needed and deserved.

But that was then.  This is now.  It seems dear Internet, that Shelly, my dear friend, and I… well we are addicted.  Addicted to… you might want to sit down for this.  We are… oh god this is so hard to say.   Let me try it this way…

“Hi.  I’m Becky.  And I’m addicted to reading!” 
“Hi Becky!”

It started with just a book here and there.  “Hey, Shelly.  Read this.  It’s really good.”  And then she would say, “Hey, I just finished this… you should read it.”

In the beginning it was fine.  A book a month or so.  And then we got into some Teen Sci Fi trilogies and that’s where the spiral into addiction started with a fevered pace.  You see, when those were done, panic set in.  “WHAT WILL WE READ NEXT!??” 

If that wasn’t bad enough, we then discovered the one thing that will render a reading addict useless.  Our kryptonite.  Our crutch.  Also known as… The Library.  And not only just the library my friends, but also the most evil thing.  Their website.  If you are weak, and don’t have much willpower, please don’t try it without a trained professional.   It is like crack for the literary nerd.  
Since it’s 2008, all that separates you and the book you want is just a click of the mouse.  And In 3 days (OR LESS!) you get an email that your book is in.   This all sounds fine and dandy until you hit bottom.   Rock bottom in the library sense is bad.  It’s ugly. It is what keeps Shelly and I up at night in a cold sweat.  We like to call it, BOOK STRESS!

If you think that you or a loved one is suffering from Book Stress please look for the following signs.  It is similar to Netflix Stress but much more serious.

Do you wake up in the middle of the night with your heart racing wondering when your book is due?  Is it on the “Too Good To Miss list” and therefore, NOT RENEWABLE!?  Do you find that the dust bunnies are taking over your house and that your laundry pile is now a jungle gym for the neighborhood kids?  Do you bring a book with you every where you go because there might be a minute of time that you could get a few pages in?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, please know you are suffering but not alone.  During such Book Stress, things are known to fall apart.  Laundry is not done.  Children go without food.  WHO HAS TIME TO GROCERY SHOP AND COOK WHEN YOU COULD BE READING?!  Boyfriends are ignored.  At work, we long to be home… reading.

When things get this bad, try to get away from the books and go out to have a good time.  Like these two. 

See?  Look at the good time they are having out on the town.

(This guy’s name was Justin and HE WAS A PLUMBER!  So of course I had to get a picture with my new friend Justin The Plumber!)

But wait?!?  What’s this! 

Oh no!  It can’t be!  Is that a BOOK EXCHANGE IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE BAR!?

So instead of having a nice night out, LEAVING THE BOOKS AT HOME, they turned this outing into a rouse!  An excuse to exchange more of their drug of choice.

Apparently this has gotten to the point where an intervention is necessary. 

Which I will get to as soon as I’m done with this chapter….

And not that I want to drag any of you into enabling this addiction but if you have some good book choices, please, FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY AND GOOD IN THIS WORLD, ah yeah, just let me know.