a holiday PSA from the princess

The holidays are upon us. In fact they are so close if you look out your front window you’ll see them getting out of the cab, paying the cabbie about to walk through your front door.

Before they ascend and bring all the craziness that IS them, let me give you some quick survival techniques that have worked for me in the past and hopefully will make the next month and a half not only bearable but maybe even fun.

1. Breathing is important. So do it! Often! Breathe in, breathe out. Slow deep breaths. Hyperventilating and having panic attacks are so Christmas 2008.

2. When you hear the radio ads and see the TV commercials with all the happy people that are so happy that happy holidays are here, remember, they are actors. Who most likely hate the holidays as much as you, and after taping this commercial went home to their drunk fat husband who smells like summer sausage.

3. If you can’t afford it, don’t get it.  Trust me your kid will appreciate dinner 365 days a year more than a Wii.  Same goes with friends and family.  I actually like this time of year but only because I have finally said to friends and family, “I love you, but let’s skip the gifts. Let’s do dinner or just come over for wine.”  I have never known anyone to reply, “Oh can’t we PLEASE spend unnecessary money on each other?? Please?!?!”  Ben especially loves this. Nothing says MERRY CHRISTMAS KIDDO! like a tree with no presents beneath. OK fine. So #3 applies only to friends and GROWN relatives, not the kid.

4. Along those same lines, if this year’s Christmas card is stressing you out, don’t send one. In the past I have turned myself into a pretzel trying to create the perfect card to send out. This year, eh. So not worth it. If I get a cute shot of Ben I’ll send one. If I don’t, between this blog, Facebook and Twitter I’m already so in everyone’s face they’ll probably appreciate the break at the mailbox.

5. Don’t try to be Martha Stewart. There is only one Martha and trust me, she has her own issues. Just do the best you can and make sure your bathrooms are clean. The people coming over are going to be so relieved they don’t have to host in their home, anything will make them happy.

6. When possible, try not to fight the shopping mobs and for the love of everything that is good and holy in this world, AVOID THE MALLS ON THE WEEKENDS!  Do quick errands over lunch or after work. Between now and 12/23 the stores are ugly. Knowing is half the battle.

7. Make a list and check it twice. Know exactly what you are getting (or at least have a couple ideas) before you get out into Retail Hell. Do your research online and then call the store to make sure they have it in stock. This will save your sanity.

8. Don’t forget to have time for yourself. While wrapping presents, open up that bottle of wine, put on your favorite holiday CD, light some candles and just chill. This time of year is for you too damnit!

9. Finally remember the holidays aren’t about perfection. Getting the perfect present, finding the perfect tree, making the perfect meal.  BLAH!  It’s about being with friends and family. It’s about remembering the past year and getting geared up for the next. Let’s put the “Happy” back in “Happy Holidays!”

10. and if none of this works, just throw up your hands, yell “F@CK IT!” as loud as you can, climb back into bed with the covers pulled up tight and know that as each day passes January 2nd gets closer and closer.