When the adoption party was winding down a couple weeks ago, a friend asked me, “So now what are you going to have big parties for? You got married, got your house, your dog, Ben is adopted…”
To which I replied, “I guess we’ll have parties to celebrate life.”
But it did get me thinking. Life is good right now. Things are in order, the four of us (yes I’m including the dog. shut up.) are fine. We’re happy. We’re healthy. Matt and I have a good marriage. There’s currently no drama in our lives.
So why do I feel a low running sort of anxiety with that?
My friend Sarah and I were emailing last week about this very topic.
I wrote, “Life is very good and calm right now. I’m trying not to look for trouble or drama or the next best thing but instead trying to live in the calm. It’s surprisingly hard.”
To which she, (quite profoundly, I might add) replied, “I think living in the calm is INCREDIBLY hard. But it’s good practice, too. Sometimes I suspect that ultimately, as humans, we like drama because it’s exciting. And when there’s no drama, we’re bored. There’s something kind of…I dunno, prehistoric about that.”
I love her response, because it’s so true.
Since I was 15 I’ve always been waiting and planning for the next big thing. Getting my drivers license, boyfriends, senior prom, boyfriends, graduating from high school, boyfriends, college, boyfriends, career, marriage, babies, etc.
So now that I have it all, I’m grateful. Grateful every day. I just need to learn, to “practice” being OK with that. Taking deep breaths, realizing that just because most of my major life events are behind me, there are still some wonderful things to come.
When I was 25 and having my first and worst depressive state, I always used to look to age 40. Forty was my savior. I would think “When I’m 40 I’ll have a husband, and a kid, a dog and a house. I will be settled and wise. I’ll be OK then. I just need to make it to 40.”
And now I’m 40 and I got those dreams. I need to sit with those dreams, appreciate them, remember how much I wanted and needed them. And then, just be.
It’s not as easy as it sounds. Habits of drama and constantly running are hard to break. But I’m working on it. Because I know, since this IS life after all, it won’t always be this calm and easy.
Instead of thinking that my life is a Lifetime movie where just as we are all laughing while the sun is shining, a semi comes crashing into our house and I lose my memory and legs, I’ll just be happy in the now.
The sweet, calm, quiet now.
Linking up with Heather of the EO’s Just Write.