Honeymooning 101

I may have gotten a F- in “Blogging With Regularity” class, but I kicked ass in “Honeymooning” without even looking at Jenny’s paper.

Because I’m a giver, here are my step by step instructions that will ensure the perfect honeymoon.

1. Upon arriving at the airport for your departure realize you are on the Amazing Race.  There may not be cameras or other contestants, per say, but encourage your newlywed with phrases like “Come on, Honey! Pick up those knees. Go go go!  Seriously why did you have to wear those shoes. Look! People are getting ahead of us!”
2. Every single person you come into contact with during your travels NEEDS to know you’re on your honeymoon.  Otherwise it may not be a honeymoon.  Let the cashier know it’s not just boring old gum, it’s “HONEYMOON!” gum.  In the bathroom stall that’s out of toilet paper, ask your neighbor, “Excuse me, could you hand me some toilet paper.  I’m on my honeymoon and this stall doesn’t have any TP.”
3. Once you finally land in your destination, and everyone around you is fully aware of just how long you have been married (“Almost 48 hours now! Old married lady here.”) don your new sunglasses and immediately turn into a rubber-necked tourist.  “OH MY GOD! Look at that! It’s a PALM TREE! If there is a coconut I will just die… Oh Em GEE! DYING!”
4. Continue step 3 with added vigor once you get to the resort.  No longer care how loudly you are talking.  Everyone thinks this is adorable.
5. Step 2 has never been more important than when checking in.  Make sure to give the woman your marriage license. Even though she was already notified by the travel agency that it’s your honeymoon, she really needs to hear and see it from you.
6. Embrace in the all inclusive aspect of your honeymoon.  Order breakfast #1 in your room and breakfast #2 a few hours later on the beach.  Once you go bacon-on-the-beach, you’ll never go back.
7. Remember, waterfalls are cold.
8. Declare this place “paradise!” and email your parents that you aren’t coming home, please send the child. 
9. Because you have spent the past three days drinking, eating and sitting in the sun, you have three brain cells left.  Therefore bring your digital camera down to the beach.  Super smart idea.  Sand won’t harm it.  Humidity either.  Great idea.
10. That evening, begin to silently curse and mutter “show off” to every person you see with a working camera.
11. Every afternoon go to the swim-up bar for “just one”. 
12. If you really want to ace this Honeymoon gig, plan it over your birthday. Double special points received; which include but not limited to a trip into town for a birthday present from your husband. Repeat step 2 and include a “it’s also my birthday!” Again, adorable.
13. On the last day “hire” the resort photographer so you can capture some pictures from the best week of your life.